|Trumpeter's Rendition of Star-Spangled Banner at Carolina Panthers San Francisco 49ers Game Wows Crowd! Video! - Jesse McGuire should be hired to play the national anthem before every Super Bowl, and before every World Series and NBA finals game.|
|Pooch Tests Positive For Cocaine & Weed! - This pooch doesn`t belong to Snoop Dogg or any other rapper with an affinity for weed, he belongs to Arlene Saiz a clueless woman who claims she has no idea how the hapless animal consumed the drugs. |
|Doctor Removes Huge Cockroach From Man's Ear: Video - One more thing to keep me up at night! From now on I`ll be sleeping with ear plugs and with a can of insecticide under my bed. |
|David Cassidy Arrested For Drunk Driving! Again! Video! - Maybe Danny Bonaduce, another Partridge Family graduate who`s survived hard times, can talk some sense to Cassidy. |
|Dude Drove Station Wagon Into Store, Stole A Banana - The most interesting part about this offbeat story is that the thief was driving a station wagon, who the hell drives a station wagon these days?
|Dude Stabs Girlfriend For Bringing Him Pizza Instead Of Chicken Sandwich - Corsey stabbed, choked and struck his girlfriend for having the temerity to bring home a pizza instead of a chicken sandwich, thereby proving he`s a refined gentleman with a discriminating palate.
|Bridgegate Has Destroyed Chris Christie's Presidential Aspirations! Fat Bully Is Toast! - New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is a fat bully, who likes throwing his weight around, literally and figuratively.
|Dude Arrested For DUI Tells Cops He's An Owl - I hope this dude had fun hooting like an owl in a tree, because now he`ll be a jailbird for a few months. |
|Crazy Wench Takes Bite Out Of Car During Argument - I would be afraid to say anything to a lady who took a bite out of my car, for fear she might take a bite out of me next. Maybe just toss the crazy wench a bone to gnaw on. |
|Lizzie Velasquez: Ugliest Woman in the World & Most Inspiring Motivational Speaker in the World! Video! - After reading about Lizzie Velasquez, hopefully you will never make another excuse in your life. |
|Uptalking: An Epidemic That Will Destroy America! Video! - My greatest nightmare is that the Zombie Apocalypse is right around the corner, and that even the undead will be uptalking.|
|Firefighter Uses Beer To Put Out 18-Wheeler Truck Fire - There`s more than one way to skin a cat, and there`s more than one way to put out a fire. Kudos to the quick-thinking firefighter!|
|Insane Clown Posse sues the DOJ, FBI: Video - But for the Justice Department to brand Juggalos as a gang is Orwellian nonsense, and an outrage that she be condemned by everyone from fans of classical music to rap music. |
|Dee Dee McCarron Apologizes for Jameis Winston Tweet: Video - Her tweet didn`t express hatred of blacks, but her love of the English language. |
|Baby Panda Bao Bao Meets The Press & Public At National Zoo: Video - Enjoy the antics of this delightful baby!|
|Velveeta Shortage Threatens Integrity of Super Bowl: Video - My Zombie Apocalypse survival kit includes: Duct tape, a shotgun, canned goods, Partridge Family cassettes, water bottles, and plenty of Velveeta. |
|Polar Vortex Victim: Homeless Man Frozen Solid! Human Popsicle! - It`s unfortunate that the only time we think of the homeless is when one of them becomes a Human Popsicle. |
|Jeopardy Host Alex Trebek Spits Some Rhymes: Master of the Rap Game! Video! - Now that I have experienced Alex Trebek rap an entire Jeopardy category, my life is complete. Thanks Trebek from dropping that funky sh**!|
|Coonrippy Running For Governor To Get His Raccoon Back: Video - Raccoons are intelligent but wild and mean critters, and you`d have to be a whacked-out hillbilly to try to domesticate them. |
|Dogs Align With Magnetic Fields While Pooping: Video - Now that we know that canines align with magnetic fields while pooping, maybe the egghead biologists can undertake another study to answer the age-old question: Who let the dogs out?|