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Contributor

Robert Paul Reyes

Lorraine Toussaint 'Vee' Back from the Dead for Season 3 of 'Orange Is the New Black'! Video! - Sorry, Red ... Vee -- Litchfield Federal Prison's public enemy #1 -- will be back on the show for season 3 ... despite being left for dead in last season's finale of "Orange Is the New Black" ... TMZ has learned.

Horse Rescued From Swimming Pool: Video - A horse is expected to be OK after being rescued from a Mesa swimming pool Saturday.

Helen Mirren, 69, New Face of L'Oreal Cosmetics: Video - Helen Mirren is the epitome of style and sophistication; she has more sex appeal in her pinkie than Kim Kardashian has in her humongous rear end and silicon-enhanced boobs.

Candy Corn: Halloween Candy Manufactured in Hell? Video! - Actually this video has been sanitized for a family audience; we don`t witness how candy corn is actually manufactured: Demons defecating on a conveyer belt.

Dude With Bentley Logo Face Tattoo Convicted of ID Theft - A Bentley parked in your garage denotes success, class and sophistication, a Bentley logo tattooed on your forehead denotes stupidity and an alarming lack of class and sophistication.

UFO as Large as Football Field Scares Bejesus Out of West Virginians - Let`s stipulate that these men aren`t typical West Virginians, if a group of men from this great state get together they brag about hot their hot cousins and sisters, they don`t chat about flying saucers.

Does 16th Century Painting Depict Flying Saucer? Stop UFO Tomfoolery! - A strange disc pouring smoke and hovering over buildings has been found in a monastery wall painting thought to date from the 16th century.

'Honey Boo Boo' Canceled: Mama Dated a Sex Offender! - June Shannon's reality show career is as dead as the roadkill she enjoys devouring.

Outrage: Ebola-Themed Costumes Selling Out for Halloween - People Please! Keep it classy and dress up like crack whores, prostitutes, zombies, clowns or bimbo celebs for Halloween. Don`t dress up in an Ebola-themed custume!

Outrage: Toddler Gets Stuck in Toy Machine, and Firefighters Let Him Keep Toy: Video - This tolerance of toddlers getting stuck in toy machines is a sign of the decline of Western Civilization!

Viral Video: Epic Fail by Adorable Pooch - Here`s an epic fail by Chip the dog who blunders his attempt to perform a basic trick, but unlike most humans he looks adorable, not pathetic in his moment of failure.

CNN's Anderson Cooper Scolds 'Reporter' Who Begs For Selfie: Video - Anderson Cooper isn`t exactly the epitome of professional journalism; he has the tendency to giggle like a schoolgirl who`s just been pinched in the butt by the cutest guy in her school.

Ziggy the Pooch is More Hapless Than Ziggy the Cartoon Strip Character - A bull terrier named Ziggy was found dumped in the woods with a crossbow bolt in his head millimeters from his brain.

Chinese Dog Meat Festival an Abomination! - I urge animal activists and dog lovers from all over the world to converge on Yulin on June 21, 2015, and disrupt this sickening festival.

Paul Reubens Confirms New Pee-Wee Herman Film! Best News This Year! Video! - The sequel to "Pee-wee`s Big Adventure" deserves to be a blockbuster hit!

Viral Video: Adorable Baby Twins Dance-Off Ends in Slapping Frenzy - I`ve been accused of being cynical, crude, and just downright mean, but I sometimes leaven my daily dose of sarcasm and cynicism with an adorable video.

Monica Lewinsky: The Shameless Slut Makes a Comeback! Video! - Monica Lewinsky is a shameless slut, plain and simple, and my advice for her applies to all sluts: Keep your legs closed. Or maybe in her case it should be "keep your mouth closed ", you may swallow more than you can handle.

Outrage: Canadian Town Cancels Trick-or-Treating Due to Polar Bears! - A Canadian town has canceled trick-or-treating in favor of an indoor event due to the threat of polar bears wandering the streets.

Halloween Horror: Drunk Trombone-playing Clown Shoots Pellets Into the Street! - As a blogger with a national audience, it`s my responsibility to keep my readers informed of the threats facing our great nation: The Ebola epidemic, Islamic terrorism, the Zombie Apocalypse, and of course Clowns Gone Wild.

Cops Help Burglary Caller With Homework - I hope there isn`t a rash of 911 calls from kids reporting possible burglaries, in the hopes that the cops will help them with their homework.

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