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Contributor

Robert Paul Reyes

Brewery Offers 'Paw-ternity' Leave for Employees with Puppies - A Scottish brewery has instituted a new policy offering puppy parental leave for employees raising young dogs.

Susan Sarandon: My Sexuality is Up for Grabs for People of Any Gender! Yuck! God Help Us! - Susan Sarandon has described her sexual orientation as open and up for grabs.

President Donald Trump Vs Prime Minister Justin Trudeau! Who Won the Handshake Battle? - Trump has introduced a wrestling submission hold into the world of politics with great success. It's not the Huge Kiss of Death, although if Trump kissed an opponent with his sphincter-shaped mouth it might kill him. It's not the Genital Grasp of Domination whereby the Donald grabs a person's genitals until he or she cries uncle.

Donald Trump Valentine's Day Memes - In the last couple of years I've created over a dozen Trump memes, but today I want to feature these Valentine's Day Trump memes created by minds even more twisted than mine.

Burger King Giving Away Sex Toys in Adult Meals for Valentine's Day - An Israeli Burger King selling an adult meal with a whopper of a toy inside? The toy might as well be a miniature golden calf, divine vengeance will surely follow!

Adele's 'Black Friends' Comment at Grammys Evidence of White Guilt - Enough already!

Dominican Newspaper Runs Photo of Alec Baldwin Instead of Donald Trump - The world has become a village, and the entire world knows we have elected the village idiot president of the United States.

Moron Sues Mexican Restaurant After Fall From Donkey Statue - Not to put too fine a point on it, but Kimberly is an ass, and she deserves a kick in the ass instead of a financial reward for her stupidity.

Japanese Prime Minister Survives 19-Second Handshake With Donald Trump - Can Japan American relations survive the epic handshake?

Elizabeth Warren is an Abomination - Why do I despise Warren so much? As a minority I will never forgive her for falsely claiming that she was part Native American in order to advance her academic career.

Does Donald Trump Wear a Bathrobe While Watching CNN in the White House? - In his younger years when Trump styled himself a playboy in the mold of Hugh Hefner, he probably owned dozens of designer bathrobes, but those days are behind him.

Internet Aghast at Lady Gaga Flashing Her Beer Belly At Super Bowl Halftime Show! - But her bouncing beer belly left a sour taste in my mind, it is utterly unforgivable for a female artist to perform before a worldwide audience of a billion wearing a midriff baring outfit exposing her fat ass belly.

Lena Dunham: Donald Trump Made Me Lose Weight - Dunham credits Trump for her weight loss, I credit Dunham for my weight loss. After seeing Dunham butt-naked a couple of times on Girls, I made a vow to never let myself go to the point where I look like a pig.

Packets of Heroin Feature Donald Trump's Name and Face - Trump's administration has been such a nightmare and he's been in office for less than a month, by the end of his administration we're all going to be shooting heroin as a coping mechanism.

Dude Orders Flowers For His Pooch, Wife Not Upset - With Valentine's Day around the corner, many people are plotting displays of affection for their significant others. But is there any bond that can top the one we have with our pets?

Chelsea Clinton Must Be Politically Destroyed By Any Means Necessary - The emergence of Chelsea Clinton as a viable candidate is the worst thing possible for the Democratic Party. Chelsea's political ambitions must be nipped in the bud, she must be stopped my any means necessary. All factions of the Democratic Party must unite in fighting the Clinton loyalists, and doing everything possible to destroy Chelsea. I hate to be redundant but Chelsea must be politically destroyed!

Trump on 'Killer' Putin: 'Is Our Country So Innocent'? Trump is Spot On! - Donald Trump doesn't speaks in the language of diplomacy, he speaks his mind bluntly in black and white terms. He paints in broad strokes, and there are only primary colors in his palette -- no shades of gray.

Punxsutawney Phil Protester as Unhinged as Donald Trump Protesters - Donald Trump is the President of the United States.

Outrage: Obama Wears His Hat Backwards! - The Internet, understandably, went bonkers over the photographs of cool and dignified former President Obama chilling out on vacation rocking a backwards hat.

One Item On My Bucket List: Winona Ryder! Video! - Before I give up the ghost I want to spend one day and one night with Winona. That one transcendent day will more than compensate for a lifetime of disappointments and failures.

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