|Lindsay Lohan Demands Male Crew On Movie Set Strip Before She Does! Shameless Hussy! - Keep in mind that this is the same actress who has posed nude for Playboy, and who has a penchant for exposing her nether regions to the paparazzi.|
|Gang Of Drunken Young Girls Stab Old Man In Subway: Evil Runs Rampant - I hope the elderly gentleman recuperates quickly from his injuries, and I pray that the "young ladies" are thrown behind bars.in the zoo, where they belong.|
|England: Zombie Takes A Bite Out Of Leather Bus Seat - A bus is a perfect place for a zombie to hang out; he fits in with the homeless, thugs, mashers, and other weirdoes who rely on public transportation.|
|Heroic British Cops Save Hamster From Clutches Of Cat - Hats off to the coppers, they made Milly, Bradley and millions of animal lovers all over the world very happy.|
|Panhandler Called 'Weed Head' A Big Star In The Big Apple - Who wouldn`t want to have his picture taken with a dude with pictures of marijuana on his head?
|Bird Crashes Into Face Of Teen Riding Roller Coaster! - In a perfect world the bird would have dived into his mouth, but this is far from a perfect world and the young punk's parents will probably sue and win a million bucks.|
|Lovely Ladies Fail To Set Bikini Parade World Record - It's hard to believe that a majority of the Madison Lake City Council had expressed opposition to the bikini event on the grounds that it wasn't "family-friendly."|
|Carly Rae Jepsen's 'Call Me Maybe' The Most Subversive Song Of All Time! - Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe" has me discombobulated; this is not the type of song I expect to hear on the radio on the eve of the Zombie Apocalypse.|
|Pop Tart Katy Perry: Pull The Plug On The Internet - We need more people plugging in to the Internet; in fact I would say that if you aren`t plugged into the Internet you fall short as a human being.
|Man Put Screaming Daughter In Trunk Of Car In Front Of Witnesses - Nguyen was arrested on child abuse charges, his daughter should be permanently taken away from him.|
|Brave JWoww Will Film Birth Of Snooki's Baby - That delivery room is going to be a real circus side show, let's just hope that little Snookette won't turn out to be a real freak.|
|Katy Perry Speaking Of Lindsay Lohan: Keep That Train Wreck Away From Me! - "Keep that train wreck away from me." That's what every producer, agent, and lawyer in Hollywood, should be saying about Lindsay Lohan.|
|What Is The Manhattan Monster? Top Ten Possibilities - Bo the White House dog: Obama skinned Bo and was ready to roast him, when the poor thing ran away and died on the beach.
|Cops Tase Teen High On 'Blotter Acid' - I hope the cops tased his family jewels, Haviaras needs a jolt to wake him up from his destructive lifestyle.|
|Dumb Criminal Identified By Tattoo On His Forehead - The police found Jesus cowering in an alley, he had his victim's business checks in his possession. This sorry excuse for a human being was charged with a felony count of armed robbery.|
|The Manhattan Monster, Son of Montauk Monster? - Some speculate it may be the remains of Rosie O'Donnell, but she hasn't been reported missing.|
|Mitch Winehouse Outraged That Lady Gaga Wants To Play Amy Winehouse - An Amy Winehouse biopic starring Lady Gaga would only attract a crowd of monsters of the worst kind.|
|Lady, 89, Scares Away Burglars With Gun! - When the cowardly burglars saw the old woman with her gun pointing at them, they took off running like schoolgirls who had just witnessed Mike Tyson eating Justin Bieber's ear.|
|Las Vegas Wedding Wagon Delivers Nupitals For $99! Tacky Or Thrifty? - A dude should think twice before he asks his girlfriend if she wants to be married by the Wedding Wagon, she just might think that he's a cheap bastard and break up with him.|
|Burglar Hits Homeowner Upside His Head With Toilet Bowl Lid - Maybe getting conked on the head with a toilet bowl lid knocked some sense into the homeowner, and he will buy a firearm post haste.|