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Will Says...


Robert Paul Reyes

Old Lady Overfeeds Birds, Making Life A Living Hell For Her Neighbors - This case calls for a judge with the wisdom of Solomon: The city should take away her bird feeder, and give her an indoor bird cage, complete with a parakeet.

Mark Zuckerberg Meets With Facebook's Oldest User: Florence Detlor, 101 - By the time Florence figures out how to ping someone on Facebook, all the young people will have switched to Pinterest or another social media site that hasn't been invented yet.

Shirley MacLaine Rips Lindsay Lohan! - Old people just don't give a hoot, they tell it like it is, and fart with impunity.

Lady Gaga: I'm Going to Record Artpop Sans Clothing, It Will Make My Voice Sound Better - It's yet another publicity stunt from the Queen of Phoniness - what while she say next? I'm going to record my next CD with the microphone pointed at my arse, I'm persuaded it will improve the sound quality.

Neil Diamond's 'Sweet Caroline' Dropped From Penn State's Play List At Football Games - Penn State has gone from enabling a pedophile, and protecting him from prosecution to diving down the rabbit hole.

Male Flight Attendant, 83, Retires After 63 Years Of Service - Congratulations Mr. Akana, but for the love of God, I hope there aren`t any other old coots serving as flight attendants.

Per TMZ Hottie Katy Perry Turned Down $20 Million To Be Judge On American Idol - Mariah probably kicked the dogg, messed up Ryan Seacrest`s hair, pimp slapped Nick Cannon, and ripped out the remaining hair on Jimmy Lovine`s head when she heard the news.

Dude Calls 911: Begs For Female Officer To Come To His House To Entertain Him - I'm sure there will be someone in jail who won't mind getting intimate with Basso, only it won't be a female correctional officer, but a male inmate.

Nicole Polizzi (Snooki) Gives Birth To Baby Boy! The End of the World is Nigh! - Nobody knows who Snooki`s baby daddy is, it could even be Satan himself.

70% Of Obama's Twitter Followers Fake!Twitter Feed As Fake As His Birth Certificate! - Obama should do the right thing, and immediately shut down his Twitter feed.

Snooki Afraid She Won't Be A Good Mom! - At least Snooki isn't bragging to the press that she will be the greatest mom since Mrs. Brady.

Taylor Swift Makes Lindsay Lohan Seem Like Mother Teresa - It won't be long before Swift is showing off her new "666" tattoo to the paparazzi.

Stop Hatin' On Prince Harry, What Happens In Vegas Should Stay In Vegas - Vegas is a neon city of refuge where even God looks the other way, as you walk a tightrope between indulging in what is slightly wicked and what is really wicked.

Gabriella Cooperman, 12, A Good Egg: Her Lemonade Stand Raises Money For Charity & Has Corporate Sponsors - This is a Norman Rockwell image updated for the 21st century, this little girl's lemonade stand is festooned with corporate logos.

Creep Attached Turtle To A Bunch Of Balloons & Sent It Aloft - I would love to attach the sick person who this to a bunch of balloons and set it aloft over shark-infested waters.

Three Libraries In Hamden, Connecticut Infested With Bed Bugs - These libraries in Connecticut that were infested with bed bugs should be a wake-up call: Leave libraries for the homeless who have nowhere else to go, and buy a damn E-Reader.

Florida Dentist Rides Unicycle To Office On His 75th Birthday - We all accept the fact that dentists are sadists, but we won't tolerate any clowns.

Did Perez Hilton Make Big Mistake By Going After "One Direction"? - It is my journalistic imperative and my patriotic duty to bash and ridicule celebrities.

If Snooki & JWoww Moved Into Your Neighborhood, Would You Be Suicidal? - My God, what a slap in the face! Two skanks just moved into your neighborhood, and they will turn your life upside down, but here's some candy and a book of puzzles.

Thief Uses Sword To Rob Convenience Store - The cops aren't armed with baseball bats or swords, but guns. If they find this loser I hope they will find an excuse to blow him away to kingdom come.


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