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Contributor

Robert Paul Reyes

Redneck Dad Shoots Son: Ashamed Of His Singing At Karaoke Hoedown - Ollie Sr. is 70-freaking-years-old, he should learn to chill out; I hope his son plays the song they were arguing over at his funeral.

Pop Tart Snooki Has Nightmare That Her Baby Turns Into Chucky The Doll - Hopefully, against all odds, Snooki's baby will be normal, and he won't start crying if his bottle doesn't contain vodka.

Obama Punching Bag Should Not Have Been Removed From Indiana County Fair - The Obama punching bag is available for sale on the Internet, be prepared to shell out between $15 to $20.

Who In God's Name Is Stealing Cardboard Cutouts Of David Hasselhoff? - The average person can't stand The Hoff, and I can see just about anyone stealing the cardboard Hoff to make a dartboard out of him.

Nightmare In Tulsa: Library Infested With Bedbugs - The Internet is making libraries obsolete and permissive librarians are speeding up the process by allowing anyone to enter.

Stop The Insanity: Shoplifting Boob Flees Store Topless! - The saddest aspect of this story is that apparently this oxygen thief has a baby, it's almost pre-ordained that her offspring will be a criminal

Wonderful Woman Seeks To Set Record For Bikini-Clad Marchers! God Bless Her! - God bless Cynthia Frederick, Vitamin D and bikini-clad hotties!

Actor Fred Willard, 72, Caught Playing With Himself In Porn Movie Palace! - I can't believe that at 72-years-old Willard's libido is still so strong that he can't resist the urge to yank out his Johnson in a porn theatre.

Felon Tests Gun, Blows Away His Nuts To Kingdom Come! - A wag asked the pertinent question: Will this moron be sent to a women's prison?

Cat Walks Six Miles To Return Home - Ebony is fat and spoiled, I'm not sure she could walk six blocks let alone six miles, but I'm persuaded if she was separated from me she would try to find her way home.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio: Obama Birth Certificate 'Definitely Fraudulent' - Investigators for Joe Arpaio declared that Barack Obama's birth certificate is "definitely fraudulent."

Miracle: Snooki Looks Sweet & Innocent Without Makeup - Take it easy on the pancake makeup, mascara and blush, ain't no dude want to knock boots with a clown-looking girl.

Evangelicals Plan Pilgrimage To New York Jets Camp To Worship Tim Tebow - I hope that the Tebow-worshipping church groups will take advice from a freethinker: Err; I think you should be worshipping Jesus, and not a human being.

New Zealand Prostitutes Use Traffic Signs To Pole-Dance! - If I saw an obese prostitute bend a pole, I would run for my life afraid what she might do to my tiny pole.

Are Homeowner's Associations Communist Or Satanic? - I'm certain that there's a homeowner's association in every zone in hell: A homeowner's association devil will fine you or gouge your eyes out if you don't keep your home appropriately hot.

Stop The Insanity! Dude Paints Grass To Keep It Green! - Tim can do whatever he wants, but Mandy and I prefer natural grass even if it gets a little bit brown during dry periods.

New Carriers Won't Have Urinals! Commie Plot To Destroy Sailors' Fighting Spirit? - I hope the male sailors will fight communism, by urinating, standing up like warriors, out the side of the gender-neutral carriers.

Dude Goes Zombie On His Old Lady Because She Broke His Beloved Bong! - The herb lover denied the allegations, but the Man still arrested him and charged him with domestic battery.

Will Aretha Franklin Be The Next 'American Idol' Judge? God, I Hope Not! - Advertisers crave young viewers, and teens don't know Aretha Franklin from a hippo.

American Idol Fires Jennifer Lopez & Steven Tyler! Fire Randy Jackson As Well! - In Jackson's case the young singers would be better off if a one-year-old incontinent puppy replaced him. Yo! Yo! Yo! It's time for the Dogg to go!

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