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Will Says...


Robert Paul Reyes

Teen Finds A Finger In An Arby's Sandwich! - The couple has already obtained a lawyer, and you can be sure they won`t just give Arby`s the finger and walk away.

Insanity: Old Man Falls Down A Ravine Chasing A Giant Snake! - A normal red-blooded American male will run away crying like a schoolgirl when he sees a giant snake.

Beach Rocks Catch Fire In Woman's Shorts! Space Rocks? Alien Rocks? - You expect a day at the beach, to be well a day at the beach, but misery is like a shadow, it follows us everywhere.

Jennifer Lopez Don't Leave American Idol! Your Heart Is As Big As Your Butt! - Lopez is worth every penny of her $20 million a year contract, it would be sad to see her leave.

American Idol: Joshua Ledet Too Fey, Jessica Sanchez Too Young, Phillip Phillips Winner - At this point in the competition it really doesn`t matter if each contestant performed one song or a dozen, we are already intimately familiar with the talent, personality and style of the young singers.

Miley Cyrus' Most Outrageous Stunt: Wore Crochet Knit Maxi Skirt In South Beach! - I've blasted Miley for leaving her house without putting on some drawers, but this is one time that I hope she wasn't wearing any.

Dude Pulls Fire Alarm During 'The Avengers'! Upset Movie Was Closed Captioned! - A film is supposed to recreate reality and make you forget that you are sitting in a theater, captions remind you "this is only a movie."

Judge Orders Violent Criminal To Be Released On Bail & To Write A Book Report - If Mobley has been accused of selling firecrackers or a sling shot, it would have made sense to release him on bail, but homeboy was trying to sell a grenade launcher to an undercover federal officer.

Australian School Official Hands Out Provocatively Shaped Candies To Children - The school official who handed out the provocatively shaped candies has resigned; I hope he is charged with contributing to the delinquency of children.

Tragedy: Chicago Bride Found Stabbed To Death In Bathtub In Wedding Gown - Carrera was likely a victim of domestic violence -- how sad. We fear the stranger lurking outside, unfortunately it`s the one we sleep with who sometimes turns against us.

Lady Gaga Hated By Islamists In Indonesia, Christians In South Korea & Hipsters In America - For the good of American`s reputation, Indonesia`s sensitivities, and Lady Gaga`s safety it would be best if her concerts in Indonesia were canceled.

Lindsay Lohan To Stay Away From Samantha Ronson For Sake Of Her Career - For Lohan it should be all about "Liz and Dick", not "LiLo and Sam."

Virgin, 70, 'Sexational Pam' Finally Ready To Do The Nasty - Call me cynical but my guess is that a dancer who bill herself as "The Sexational Pam" and wears revealing clothes on stage, has been around the block more than a gazillion times.

Cops Arrest Naked Unicyclist - I often complain about my regular 9 to 5 job, but at least my job description doesn`t read: May have to arrest naked unicyclist.

Fake Royal Canadian Mounted Police Officer Tries To Steal ATM! - When the fake Mountie and his cohort realized that the ATM was bolted to the floor, they left in frustration. Did the morons think that the ATM would be on rollers?

Another Masseur Accuses John Travolta Of Sexual Harassment! They Can't All Be Lying! - The ageing actor's protestations of innocence are as fake as his toupee.

Russell Brand Has Finally Stopped Following Ex-Wife Katy Perry On Twitter! - Katy Perry probably could care less that Brand has stopped following her, she still has over 19 million followers.

Non-Story Of The Week: Motorcyclist Flees Cops Until He Runs Out Of Gas! - This UPI article has all the ingredients for a thrilling story, except a fiery climax.

Janitor, 52, Graduating From Columbia University! Bravo! - It`s never too late to go to college, I wish Gac and his family nothing but the best.

Insanity: Lindsay Lohan To Attend 'Chant' At Courtney Love's Home - Woman in circle: This is some great coke! I feel Lohan`s spirit my sisters! I have an irresistible urge to take off my drawers!


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