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Contributor

Robert Paul Reyes

New Zealand Prostitutes Use Traffic Signs To Pole-Dance! - If I saw an obese prostitute bend a pole, I would run for my life afraid what she might do to my tiny pole.

Are Homeowner's Associations Communist Or Satanic? - I'm certain that there's a homeowner's association in every zone in hell: A homeowner's association devil will fine you or gouge your eyes out if you don't keep your home appropriately hot.

Stop The Insanity! Dude Paints Grass To Keep It Green! - Tim can do whatever he wants, but Mandy and I prefer natural grass even if it gets a little bit brown during dry periods.

New Carriers Won't Have Urinals! Commie Plot To Destroy Sailors' Fighting Spirit? - I hope the male sailors will fight communism, by urinating, standing up like warriors, out the side of the gender-neutral carriers.

Dude Goes Zombie On His Old Lady Because She Broke His Beloved Bong! - The herb lover denied the allegations, but the Man still arrested him and charged him with domestic battery.

Will Aretha Franklin Be The Next 'American Idol' Judge? God, I Hope Not! - Advertisers crave young viewers, and teens don't know Aretha Franklin from a hippo.

American Idol Fires Jennifer Lopez & Steven Tyler! Fire Randy Jackson As Well! - In Jackson's case the young singers would be better off if a one-year-old incontinent puppy replaced him. Yo! Yo! Yo! It's time for the Dogg to go!

Is Lindsay Lohan A Great Actress? James Deen Thinks So! - The pop tart should go the Octomom route and make an adult movie, she should quit pretending she's a thespian, and go for the bucks.

Lindsay Lohan Needs Another Excuse! Porsche Brakes Didn't Fail - To her credit Lohan hasn't got behind the wheel since her latest accident, let's hope she hires a full-time chauffeur.

The Horror, The Horror: Lindsay Lohan Has Huge Bald Spot! - Girlfriend, desperate times call for desperate measures, for God's sake use some of that spray-on hair.

Lady Sues Justin Bieber, Claims Hearing Was Damaged At His Concert - Betts lawsuit is frivolous, and I hope that the judge boxes her ears.

Is It Free Speech To Flip Cops The Bird? - My heart wants this coward to lose his lawsuit, but my head tells me he has the law on his side.

Stop The Insanity! Neighbors Fight Over Fake Gonads - I've heard of neighbors fighting our property lines, loud music and barking dogs, but this is just nuts.

Dude Arrested For Stealing Snickers Bar - Betty White's career was revitalized when she filmed a Snickers commercial, but this dude's reputation as a loser was cemented by his theft of a Snickers bar.

Cops Arrest Drunken Men Who Weren't Wearing A Stitch Of Clothing - They should move to San Francisco where it is perfectly legal to stroll around in the buff.

Starbucks To Open Inside A Funeral Home: Fantastic Idea! - There is nothing odd, sacrilegious, or tacky about a funeral home that includes a Starbucks restaurant.

Nicki Minaj: No Talent, But Lots Of Ego - The music promoters most likely intentionally let the grass grow long outside Nicki's dressing room figuring that a big girl like her might enjoy grazing in the grass.

Instant Karma: Yoga Teacher Fired For Giving Facebook Employee Stern Look - How dare she think that achieving cosmic bliss is more important than using your cell phone to update your Facebook status?

Who Enriches Our Culture The Most: Dora The Explorer, Jon Stewart Or Snooki? - The absence of Dora the Explorer and SpongeBob SquarePants is a national tragedy; these cartoons are delightful and remarkably well scripted.

Outrage: Old Lady Kills 14,000 Slugs In Her Garden - Hikka really needs to find a new hobby, hasn't she heard of knitting or Bingo?

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