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Contributor

Robert Paul Reyes

X-Factor Judge Simon Cowell: I'm Not Gay! - The more a man insists that he`s not gay, the more everyone is convinced that he`s gay as all get-out. Simon might as well wear hot pants, a halter top, and stiletto heels, while declaring that he`s not gay.

Man Faces 5 Years For Stealing Cup Of Soda From McDonald's! He Ain't Loving It! - Three strikes, and you're out! Due to previous petty theft convictions, this joker was charged with a felony instead of a petty theft charge.

Foolish Woman Loses Wedding Ring Worth $55,825 - I don't feel this woman's pain, when your wedding ring costs a small fortune, you don't take it off your finger -- period!

Australians Have No Love For Con Artist Faith Healers! - When you live in a land where a Dingo is liable to run off with your baby in the middle of the night, and you have to box a kangaroo for a seat at a sporting event, and you may have to fight off a crocodile on your daily jog, you don't have the patience to tolerate charlatans.

Is Joshua Ledet Too Gay To Win American Idol? Will Safe White Guy Phillip Phillips Win? - Let's not forget that in 2009 an insanely talented Adam Lambert, who came out of the closet during the competition, lost to -- does anybody even remember who won that year?

Outrage: Gov. Chris Christie Falls Asleep At Bruce Springsteen Concert! - Christie fell asleep because he is too fat: Eating makes you sleepy, and Christie is always eating.

Video: Disease Turns Cats Into Zombies! Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid! - I can live with a cat who throws up a furball on my dinner plate, or a cat who dabbles with the Ouija Board, but if my kitty turns into a zombie, I will run screaming out of my house.

Approve Of Oreo Ad Featuring Breastfeeding Baby Holding Oreo Cookie? - I love the ad, it makes me want to eat an Oreo cookie and...

Dude Steals Gas From Police Cruiser, Posts Pic Of Crime On Facebook - Baker claims the incident was supposed to be a joke, but the police aren`t laughing, they had to outfit all their cruisers with locking gas caps.

92-Year-Old Man Still Working For US Postal Service - Cook is a good symbol for the US Postal Service: A man who is as old as dirt, but still works hard at a useless job.

Secret Service To Interview Ted Nugent About Obama Comments! Satire, I Think! - Agents: Yes sir! It was an honor to meet you! Love "Cat Scratch Fever." Now where them bimbos be at?

How Do You Get Rid Of Six Frozen Cows Stuck In Cabin? Oprah Knows! - Drop Rosie O`Donnell, Oprah Winfrey, Sally Sruthhers, Nicky Minaj, and Jessica Simpson to the cabin, give them knives, forks and bibs and let them have a go at those cows.

Lady Gaga: Leave Britney Spears Alone! Don't Corrupt The Last Innocent Soul In Show Biz - Britney Spears is one of the few innocent souls left in show business, for the love of God I beseech Lady Gaga to leave her alone. Leave Britney alone (crying.)

Outrage: Why Are We Paying For Newt Gingrich's Secret Service Detail? - The Secret Service has better things to do with their time: They have hooker parties to organize, and beer runs to make.

Breaking News: Dick Clark Dead At 82 - Dick Clark, America`s oldest teenager, has died at the age of 82 of a massive heart attack.

Canadian Female Cop Gets The Finger, Literally - Cops, especially those handing out speeding tickets, are used to getting the finger, but this police woman really got the finger.

Outrage: 'Hangover Heaven' Bus Cruises Las Vegs Strip In Search Of Drunks - I hope that the "Hangover Heaven" bus gets run off the road by a drunk driving an 18-wheeler.

Mitt Romney Abused His Dog, Obama Ate Dog As A Child! Race Has Gone To Dogs! - Obama should be held accountable for eating dog meat as a child, and not condemning the practice as an adult when he wrote his autobiography.

Cops Go Medieval On Kindergartner! They Handcuff Her For Throwing Tantrum - The pint-sized transgressor was taken down to the station and booked on charges of simple assault and damage to property. Hopefully the cops went old school on her and gave her a good beating before her mom came to pick her up.

Firefighters Rescue Hours-Old Kitten Stuck In Pipe - By saving "the least of these" they demonstrate how much they, and by extension all of us, value life whether it's human or animal life.

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