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Will Says...


Robert Paul Reyes

Lady Gets Bent Out Of Shape: Starbucks Coffee Cup Had Profanity Written On It - I wouldn't care if my Starbucks coffee cup was riddled with obscenities as long as I didn't have to get a loan to afford it.

Grandma, 96, Blows Away Her Nephew With .357 Magnum! - This grandma has a beatific smile, and heavenly white hair, but don't let that fool you, her heart is made of stone.

Heroes Rescue Little Pooch From Raw Sewage - It's the stories about miscreants abusing dogs and cats that make the news; it's wonderful to read an article about heroes who were willing to jump into raw sewage to rescue a little doggie.

Outrage: Leisha Hailey Booted From Southwest Airlines Plane For Kissing Girlfriend - A flight attendant told Leisha that Southwest Airlines was a "family airline" and kissing wasn't allowed. Hogwash! I'm sure that flight attendant doesn't reprimand

Video! The Horror, The Horror! Nancy Grace Wardrobe Malfunction on 'DWTS" - Nancy Grace wardrobe malfunction! One of Nancy's twin girls made an unexpected appearance. The crowd was stunned into silence; the judges had their mouths wide open, and I dropped my coffee on my lap!

Buddy The Surfer Dog Top Dog Again: Wins Fifth Surfiing Competition! - More than 80 pooches competed in the surfing competition in which Buddy emerged as top dog. Buddy is a real hot dog, I bet he did at least on Hang 10.

Sorceress Cagliastro Mummifies Pets! Would You Mummify Your Pooch Or Cat? - The Sorceress's goal in life is to one day mummify humans, for heaven's sake don't let this woman get anywhere near your pet, I don't care if it's alive or dead.

'Undie Run' In Salt Lake City A Smashing Success! There Are Liberals In Utah - I applaud the Undie Run participants for fighting against intolerance in a fun way; I hope the Undie Run will become an annual event.

Pig Finds A Home In An Office Park, Eluding Capture From Animal Control Officers - Pigs are as playful and cute as they are tasty and delicious. I don't know what I enjoy more, petting piglets at a petting zoo or eating BBQ pork ribs.

Group Of 6th Graders Find Hiker Who Had Been Missing For 2 Days - When the hapless hiker woke up it was dark, his cell phone was dead, and he quickly became lost when he tried to find his car.

Herman Cain Wins Florida Straw Poll! Devastating Defeat For Rick Perry And Michele Bachmann - It could be argued that a non-binding straw poll is meaningless, but the results of this poll are devastating for Texas Governor Rick Perry.

Outrage: Old Lady Erects 25-Foot Cross In Her Front Yard! - Actress Paz de la Huerta is my goddess, how would Dobener feel if I lived next to her and I erected a 25-foot cardboard cutout of Paz in my front yard?

Pooch Freed From Crack In A Boulder - Only a silly pooch would get himself in this predicament. Dogs are loyal and friendly, but they ain't too bright.

First Amendment Hero Larry Flynt Offers Cool Million For Dirt On Rick Perry - James Carville famously said: Drag a hundred dollar bill through a trailer park, you never know what you will find. If there are any skeletons in Perry's closet

Dude Arrested For Hurling Chicken Wing At His Baby's Mother! - Chicken wings, a baby daddy, a run-down apartment building -- Courtney and his girlfriend should kiss and make, grab a bucket of chicken wings, and audition for the Jerry Springer show.

Pop Tart Lady Gaga To Meet Obama Over Bullying? Say It Ain't So! - I commend Lady Gaga for taking a strong stand against bullying, as a pop star she has a lot of influence on kids, and hopefully she can convince them that bullying isn't a cool thing.

Paraplegic Hunter Shoots Himself With Crossbow: Pinned To Foor Of ATM - To quote Clint Eastwood as "Dirty Harry", "a man's got to know his limitations." It's sheer insanity for a paraplegic to go hunting alone on an all-terrain vehicle, that's difficult for an able-bodied person to control.

Insanity: Man Breaks Into Home With His Girflriend To Do His Laundry! - Police in Florida said a man arrested on a burglary charge allegedly broke into a home so he could do his laundry.

Lady Sues Strident Chewing Gum: Gum Got Stuck In Her Dentures - Elsie Pawlow should be depressed that she's named after a cow, and that without her dentures she probably has to regurgitate and rechew her food.

Outrage: Dastardly Fiend Steals Head Of Mascot Stomper The Bear! - This dastardly crime must not go unpunished; I wouldn't go so far as to say "off with the head of the thief", but the fiend needs to do some serious time behind bars.


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