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Contributor

Robert Paul Reyes

Safe Sex Ring Tone Chants: Condom, Condom - The condom ring tone will give folks the idea that only jerks wear condoms. I hope this insane idea doesn`t take hold in this country.

Rev. Sergio G. Roman Sounds the Alarm Against Miniskirts - The Rev. Sergio G. Roman sounded the alarm against miniskirts in an online publication to prepare Catholics for a church family-values forum next year in Mexico City.

Jessica Simpson Could be the World's Healthiest Drunk - The singer-actress is the new face of Stampede Light Plus beer, a low-carb, low-calorie brew from the Dallas-based Stampede Brewing Company.

Hillary Clinton Takes Control Of Democratic Convention - In an attempt to appease and mollify the Clintons, Sen. Barack Obama has practically handed over the control of the Democratic Convention to them.

Australian Mayor: Ugly Women Please Move To My Remote Town - "A plea for lovelorn female `ugly ducklings` to move to a remote Australian mining town to reverse a shortage of eligible women has landed the local mayor in hot water.

John McCain Hires Hollywood Agent To Jazz Up GOP Convention - Even Arnold Schwarzenegger, California`s Republican governor and former action movie star, has stalled on accepting a prime time speaking slot at McCain`s convention in St Paul next month.

British Spy Agency Recruits Homosexuals - MI5, which targets home-grown terrorists and foreign spies, has hired Stonewall to advise on how it can attract a broader range of applicants.

Argument Results In Guy's Ear Getting Bitten Off - Most folks wouldn`t give this sorry little episode a second thought, but I have a few thoughts on the matter.

Rick Warren's Faith Forum Sideshow - This was not a generic faith forum to examine the place of religion in American society, and in the lives of the presidential candidates.

They Say Single Abortion is No Threat To Mental Health - Pro-life protesters who harass women entering family planning clinics by shouting threats and false warnings about impending

DNA Results In: Bigfoot Carcass Is an Opossum - Americans have been waiting with bated breath for the verdict from the scientists. The verdict is in:

Drinking Alcohol Makes Those Around You Look Hot - A test on drunk university students has scientifically proven what was common pub knowledge - that drinking improves the appearance of those around you.

Pontiff Criticized For Wearing Fur - Pope Benedict has been trashed by the fashion police for wearing ridiculous red leather Prada loafers.

American Gymnast Alicia Sacramone Is Smoking Hot - Alicia has been getting a lot of attention from the media, and not just from American publications.

Spanish Olympic Teams Should Be Punished For Making "Slit-Eyed" Gesture - First it was photographs of the Spanish men`s and women`s basketball team making "slit-eyed" gestures, a racist and juvenile impression of Chinese people.

Woman Kicked Out of Mall For Wearing Revealing Dress - The establishments guys frequent (pawn shops, gun shops, sporting goods stores) are usually stand-alone buildings. We only go to a shopping center when we are dragged there by our girlfriends or spouses.

Bigfoot Competing With Montauk Monster For Headlines - The human genome has been fully mapped, and the scientists at CERN may be close to discovering the "god particle" that explains how sub-atomic particles acquire mass.

Liberal Rocker Jackson Browne Suing John McCain for Copyright Infringement - Jackson Browne is the poster boy for progressive political activism, his songs are infused with his liberal ideology.

Will Colin Powell Endorse Barack Obama? - `I do not have time to waste on Bill Kristol`s musings,` Powell told ABC. `I am not going to the convention. I have made this clear.`

Ellen DeGeneres And Portia de Rossi To Tie The Knot This Weekend - The pair are reportedly planning a small, intimate ceremony with only a few close friends and family.

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