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Published:September 29th, 2010 14:41 EST

Top Ten Things Eddie Long Will Miss Behind Bars

By Robert Paul Reyes

HIS TOUPEE

Prisoners aren`t allowed to wear toupees in prison. Eddie Long will be so depressed without his wig, that he will tear out the few strands of hair that he has left. On visitation day Eddie will ask his wife to bring his toupee, so he can spend quality time with it.

BOYS

There will be no boys in prison for Eddie Long to sexually molest. In fact the con artist preacher will be on the receiving end of sexual abuse in the Big House.

SYCOPHANTS

Long could utter any sort of nonsense in his church, and his brain-dead and morally bankrupt congregation would give him a hearty "Amen." The scam artist could take a special love offering for his hairpiece, and his followers would empty their wallets. But in prison Eddie will be surrounded not by sycophants, but by prisoners seeking to make a name for themselves by raping or killing him.

HIS WARDROBE

Long has a wardrobe that is the envy of pimps and drag queens worldwide, he may wax suicidal not being able to accessorize behind bars.

HIS STEROIDS

Eddie Long, 57, can`t maintain his muscular physique without juicing up. Long will ask his wife to smuggle some steroids in his Jheri Curl wig. No guard will want to inspect that loathsome oily toupee for contraband.

HIS PLAYGIRL MAGAZINE

He will probably slap his enabling wife if she brings him a Bible, but forgets his Playgirl magazine.

HIS CELL PHONE

The pastor will sorely miss his cell phone, he won`t be able to send pics of himself to young boys.

HIS BLING

Prisoners aren`t allowed to wear any jewelry. Eddie Long without bling-bling? That`s like Lindsay Lohan without drugs or Oprah Winfrey without bon-bons.

HIS MANSION

From a mansion to a prison cell, if there`s a God that`s where Long will end up.

HIS QUIET TIME WITH GOD

In the noisy prison the Bishop won`t have the luxury of spending quiet time with God. Just yanking your chain, everybody who isn`t a complete idiot knows that Long spends a lot of time on his knees, but let`s just say he ain`t praying when he`s on his knees.

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes