December 1st, 2010 13:01 EST
The Worst Songs of All Time
Bob Geldof recently apologized to the masses for writing what he calls "the two worst songs in history" - "We Are the World" and "Do They Know It`s Christmas?" The songs were both written for humanitarian aid and were insanely popular. He claims that he gets irritated every time he hears carolers singing it outside his door.
Well, I don`t consider either the worst song of all time, but like anyone else, I have some ideas:
The remake of "We Are the World" for Haiti disaster relief - Various artists, 2009
The original was one of those songs that you simply can`t remake. Period. Regardless - somehow, somewhere, the person arranging the dismal copy thought it would be good to give Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus a part. It wasn`t good - it was horrifying. While those two ruined the song entirely, they couldn`t ruin the altruistic purpose of the song - well, Haiti relief was one purpose, but another was to remind people of how awful music has become these days. I could go on to say how the rap part ruined it, but I think Bieber and Cyrus were enough of a destructive duo.
Jenny From the Block - Jennifer Lopez, 2002
I really don`t know which is worse - J Lo`s singing, J Lo`s acting, or the name "J Lo." This is one of those songs you`d hear after a nuclear missile obliterated a grain silo filled with methamphetamine. "Don`t be fooled by the rocks that I got/I`m still I`m still Jenny from da block/Used to have a little now I got a lot..." Hey, don`t be fooled by the idiocy of the lyrics! She`s portraying a wholesome message here: No matter how talentless you are, you can still become rich and famous.
Thong Song - Sisqo, 2000
"She had dumps like a truck truck truck/Thighs like what what what/Baby move your butt butt butt"
Ignoring the fact that the lyrics are downright moronic - What the hell are "dumps like a truck"? Did she have diarrhea or something? I don`t think I`d want to see a thong on a woman that`s about to engage in extreme anal seepage, thanks very much.
Courtesy of the Red, White, & Blue (The Angry American) - Toby Keith, 2002
"We`ll stick a boot in your ass/It`s the American way"
Vertigo - U2, 2004
I`ve never liked U2. I don`t know if it`s because their music sucks or Bono`s so-called "humanitarianism." Whatever the case, I was 14 when the album that this song is on came out, and at that moment I knew music as we know it is doomed. All anyone needs to know how bad this song flat-out sucks is the opening line: "Uno, dos, tres, catorce!" Really, Bono? "1, 2, 3, 14?" Pick which is worse - an Irishman trying to be Spanish, or that line. Every time this song was played on the radio, a part of the world died.
Anything from The Black Eyed Peas, Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus
That`s a lot of songs. There goes my hopes of having an even list!
F**k It (I Don`t Want You Back) - Eamon, 2004
Look, I like vulgarity possibly more than the next guy. It`s fun. I think censorship is the worst thing to happen to media. However, a song where the phrase "F**k it" is the only thing that makes sense in the entire song is one that probably shouldn`t be released. The lyrics don`t help the cause much, either: "F**k all those kisses, it didn`t mean jack/F**k you you hoe, I don`t want you back" I`m sure every heartbroken guy out there threw their fists in the air and knocked back a few brewskis to the subject matter, but to the rest of the world, this song reeks of poor musicianship.
Need You Now - Lady Antebellum, 2010
If the hook in the chorus and the entire rhythm wasn`t a complete rip off of Alan Parsons` "Eye in the Sky" (which sucks as well), I wouldn`t hate this song. However, it is a rip-off, and it`s just another indication of modern music`s slow decay.
Bad Romance - Lady Gaga, 2009
"Ra-ra uh-uh-uh/Ru-ma ru-ma-ma/Ga-ga ooh la-la"
They have help for this kind of thing, you know.
Enough new garbage, why don`t we delve into some of the stuff that`s had more time to soak in the dumpster, shall we?
Walking on Sunshine - Katrina and the Waves, 1983
This is the song they play in every commercial when some kid is playing on a swing set or basking in the few fun years he has left before reality smacks him in the mouth. It`s just annoying. Besides, if you were walking on sunshine, wouldn`t you burn to death? And you all thought this song was so happy and cheery.
Cotton-Eyed Joe - Rednex, 1994
Swedish rednecks, huh? That`s almost as likely as playing ice hockey in Barbados. This song reached the pinnacle of annoyance when these lame, yuppie white people all across America gave us all the pleasure of having to watch them try to dance. Sit down and put on your smooth jazz records, you nimrods. This is the kind of song that would follow you straight to Hell and probably would have played in the background of Jesus` crucifixion. Oh come on, can`t handle a little religious humor? Then you`re probably the type of person that loves this next song:
Jesus Take the Wheel - Carrie Underwood, 2005
I know, this song isn`t old, but for continuity`s sake I have added it here. Here`s an experiment for those of you that love this song: Next time you`re out driving, take your hands off the wheel and ask Jesus to take it for you. Anything could happen, but it would probably involve broken glass and an air bag shooting out at your face. To me, the entire premise of this song is unlikely and irrational - a woman hits a patch of black ice, starts spinning out of control, screams "JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!" and immediately stops spinning out of control and stops safely. Sounds like one of those miracles that the late night televangelists brag about.
Note: The author of this article is no longer affiliated with theSOP.