January 18th, 2011 11:52 EST
A Dear John (Boenher) Letter to The Weeper of The House
Howdy Mr. Obama, I see where you are having troubles in your HOUSEhold. It would seem that the new tenant, Mr. Boehner, is being a little anti-social. Is this not the person that says he likes Facebooking? Maybe all he needs is a little poke!
I have been reading that he is deliberately ignoring your invitations to events with your circle of friends. I want you to know you should not totally blame yourself. I am sure there are many reasons this could be happening.
1. Maybe he is shy; he does tend to get embarrassed easily and turn red.
2. He is emotional and at a moment`s notice he can break into a sob. Watch out; he might use that one to sway some voters and house members.
So, if you would not mind I drafted a Dear John letter for you to send to the Weeper of the House to see if You can see what`s going on. Like my parents used to say, "It`s my house and you live by my rules, and if you don`t you can move anytime.
(Please handwrite so it looks personal)
Dear John (Boehner).
We are going to have to work harder if this whole BI-partisan thing is to work out. I have extended my hand to you on several occasions and all I am getting back is the cold shoulder. To make our relationship fun and exciting I have even offered to pick you up in the Air Force One jet, and on one of our first dates. This is a definite sign I am making the effort.
Please tell me how I might best communicate with you, as people are starting to talk. If you think this power play is going to help you look like the one in control... Remember, I have the master key. Also, we have each made our separate beds and we will have to sleep in them; however, I refuse to live in different houses.
Your commander and chief,
Oh, by the way, if you are one of my regular readers, Twitter followers or Facebook fans then you know Mrs. Roberts and I had a baby girl 3 months ago. Well I am here to tell you she is doing swell. I thought I had learned all I could have and if you told me that a kid would have been able to teach me a thing or two, I would have told you phewwy! But I learn every day.
I also want you all to know that if you are like me and you don`t sleep much, and find you are mostly creative in the middle of the night, then the baby job is the job for you. It gives me a justifiable reason to be up at 2-3-4-6 all before the daylight breaks. That`s unless you are a vampire! Ooo, now that might get me the readers I want: trick roping, vampire, humorist... Hmmm
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