June 1st, 2011 10:10 EST
The Male's Online Dating Profile
At least once a month, I get a call from a girlfriend who wants me to help her with her online dating profile, but last week, I got an SOS from a male friend who was attempting to fill out his own profile. My female friends build a profile that ideally would attract a man who is, as my one girlfriend put it, "A Johnny Depp, Bill Gates and Brett Favre combo". Yes, I think she does drink or perhaps, listens to way too many Law of Attraction CDs, but whatever gets her going in the morning, is okay with me.
Anyway, I noticed my guy friend was a lot less thoughtful over his answers to the profile questions than my female friends. To questions such as "Where do you see yourself in five years?", my girlfriends always create answers that reflect their desire to be in a long-time relationship or married without sounding needy or desperate. However, to this specific inquiry, my guy friend answered "Fishing, alone in my own boat on the ocean, alone." Keeping in mind that he was new to the dating site world, I told him in the most patient tone I could muster, that using the word alone -- twice - did not exactly scream, "I am okay with commitment." He just shrugged his shoulders and gave me permission to answer the question as long as I was honest and didn`t make it sound like he wanted to be in a long-term relationship anytime soon.
I could do nothing but stare at him and shake my head. Before we finished this profile for this particular dating site, I decided to research other sites to see if there was one more suitable to his lifestyle. If there was a site, "Hookers for love", he would have signed up right away, but I tried to explain that if he wanted a nice woman -- and by that I mean one who he doesn`t have to pay to talk dirty to him -- he should refrain from the more " open" sites.
Along with the usual dating sites, I stumbled across several religious-based sites such as Christiansingles.com where you put your search for the right mate into God`s hands. Now, this I thought was a little puzzling. If God is so intent on finding my friend a match, why doesn`t he just lead him to the intended woman? Why does he need a third party? Why must my friend plunk down a dating site membership fee to dig through thousands of women profiles to find Ms. Right? If God really wanted to make my friend a match, couldn`t he just plop the perfect mate into the middle of his bedroom and say, " Here she is! I picked her out for you myself!" I would think a third-party dating site is a little insulting to the Big Matchmaker in the sky. Oh, and for anyone who likes the idea of faith-based dating, but you are not a Christian, do not fret. There were other faith-based sites to choose from such as jdate.com, singlemuslim.com, wiccanpassions.com -- and let`s not leave out the atheists or agnostics--freethinkermatch.com. See, something for everyone.
We decided that an any-faith-goes website would be best for him in the long run. Finally, we got through the profile, and now instead of sounding like a guy who might go into convulsions at the mere utterance of the word "girlfriend", my friend sounded like a relatively nice guy who -- on paper-- is considerate, open-minded and rich. Well, at least affluent. Hell, he owns his own condo and car and he gets a paycheck every week, and except that arrest for public intoxication a decade ago, he is what most mothers would refer to as a "nice catch" as long as they don`t get to know him too well.
We moved onto the last phase of this project: the photo. I suggested that he shave his day`s worth of stubble. He thought it made him look sexy; I thought it made him look like a sexual predator. So, he shaved. Next, I suggested a nice golf shirt instead of the tee shirt that displayed the saying, "Route 69--Going down?" I thought that this tee shirt gave women the wrong impression--maybe--who knows?
We snapped the picture and put it up on the website and do you know what? He got six inquiries in less than 24 hours. Now, my friend is happy that I budded into his life. Will he marry any of these women? Hell, no. As he says, "Fool me once, shame on me; fool me twice or three times-- that just makes me really stupid."
But, he might find a nice person to have a relationship with, and that would make me happy. I have to be honest; I do sleep a little better knowing that I took a man who lived a life of single bliss and immersed him into the chaotic and traumatic world of relationships.