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Published:June 3rd, 2011 18:23 EST
This Isn't Your Grandpa's Condom

This Isn't Your Grandpa's Condom

By Donna Cavanagh

It always seems as if there is a battle raging between the big guys and the little guys.  The big guys have all the good stuff: luxury cars, luxury boats, luxury homes and now--get ready for it-- luxury condoms. Yes, the big guys, or so they wish, have a high-end condom that is slated to blow the lid off the prophylactic market. 

I know that you are saying -- hopefully not aloud and at work, "What could be so different about these condoms?" Well, let me tell you.  Before I go on, know that I might be talking about sex, and some people, especially some ultra-right religious groups, get offended when I even mention that word.  So, for all those people who think a discourse on sex and birth control punches an express ticket to hell, don`t read any further.  Okay, you have been warned.  

This is the scoop on the super-duper condom.  A man named Jud Ireland launched Naked, which is the brand of condoms that sells for $56 for a 12-pack.  Break that down and that means that each condom could be sold at $4.666. I know I should have rounded up to $4.67 but isn`t it funny that part of the condom price is the number associated with Satan himself? Gee, maybe I shouldn`t have warned the evangelicals to look away. This might be the final clue to the rapture they were looking for.  Who knew that their answer to the end of the world would lie in luxury condoms!

Sorry, I got off the track.  The difference between these condoms and the drug store ones is that the Naked condoms are made from super-soft latex and contain high-quality lubricant AND they come in a variety of sizes.  Yes, men, you can order the condom that best fits your "friend".  So, is this like a bra fitting? Does someone have to measure each "friend" to get the exact size or does one pick a condom size based on the honor system?  I don`t know how it would work, but I don`t know many men who would admit to being anything below a large.  And then there is the true possibility that women would order the condoms so they have them in case an intimate moment presents itself.  Do women order a variety of sizes and then wait and see which size best fits her companion?  What is the etiquette here?  Does she ask?  Does she allow him to select the condom he prefers?  I guess she could put it in one of those boxes like what restaurants have for tea.  The woman brings the box and opens up the lid and behold, a man sees a smorgasbord of condoms.  This could be sort of foreplay. But again, I think the compartment which holds the large sizes will empty most frequently. 

Okay, so for the sake of argument, let`s say that this condom is the best condom ever, but the question remains will people spend the extra money on this accessory? Wealthy people do like to wrap themselves -- and I mean all parts of themselves -- in luxury, so I think the Naked condom will find a market in that demographic.  I don`t think middle class people will splurge though.  Especially in today`s financial climate, if there is a choice between spending $50 on food or $50 on a box of condoms, food wins out. 

Also, a 12-pack is a big commitment.  Is there an expiration date on them?  Not everyone is going to go through that 12-pack that quickly.  Sure, you might have the best intentions, but if you don`t get lucky that often, they just sit in their nice packaging and go to waste. There is nothing quite so sad as an unused prophylactic assortment.  Since they are not cheap,  very few people are going to waste them and make water balloons out of them. That would just be irresponsible. 

So, luxury condom or no luxury condom?  I say if you got the money and the opportunity, go for it because let`s face it: in today`s world a good condom can be your best friend.