June 10th, 2011 21:48 EST
Weiner's Wife Needs a Winner Not a Whiner
Huma Abedin was one wife caught up in her political husband`s sex scandal who surprisingly did not stand by her man at least at his press conference where her Congressman-hubby admitted to techno-sex with numerous women even when newly wed. But with news of her pregnancy, it appears she really will stand with her man.
Described by colleagues as an Alpha woman, and a powerful political figure herself (as Secretary of State Hillary Clinton`s close aide called her secret weapon during Clinton`s Presidential run), Huma does not theoretically have to stick with a techno-cheater. Especially when he carried on under her nose, pictured on their couch, with their cats (he crudely called pussies "), in front of the family photos. (Weiner doesn`t get a pass for not having physical contact, as he tried to rationalize).
But even Alpha women have reasons to stick with a misbehaving man. They may be emotionally dependent, have cultural or familial pressures, convince themselves they love " him, or hope he`ll change.
More often, they stay for the children. Now Huma has their baby on the way.
Should she still stay with her baby daddy? Odds are, she will, for now. Being a mother for the first time alone is not easy. There`s also the child to consider; it`s better to have a repenting father than none at all.
Huma should, however, insist that her wanderlust Weiner go into therapy. The cheating Congressman needs to delve deep into the reasons why he sacrificed everything to satisfy sexual and psychological urges. His explanation that his actions were simply frivolous " and dumb " is frivolous itself.
It`s more like narcissism and exhibitionism, with an added sense of entitlement, poor impulse control and exceptional poor judgment.
While the condition of sex addiction has of late been grossly misused as an excuse in celebrated cases (infamously by lotharios like Tiger Woods), the criteria fits Weiner in three ways: inability to control (stop) the behavior; acting out that causes trouble withrelationships and career; and getting in trouble with the law.
Controlling the urges, as all 12-step programs for addiction direct, is a one day at a time "trial.
Very interestingly, men like Weiner suffer from what`s called the Madonna-prostitute " syndrome (not Madonna the rock star, but Madonna the mother of Jesus) -- which only gets worse as the pregnancy progresses and when the child arrives. The man splits women into two distinct roles " the pure mother figure who nurtures his child and takes care of him, and the sexpot who indulges his every sex fantasy and behavior. He feels compelled to keep the wife/mother figure pure ", so he finds other women for wild " sex or whom he can defile.
To cure this syndrome, the man has to admit he`s splitting, and allow his partner to be warm (nurturing) and also hot.
Such men also have to explore fears of intimacy. Their approach-avoidance " towards women equal " to them, and choice of younger prey, porn stars or prostitutes, usually betrays low self esteem underlying bravado and false confidence. Consequently, the man is only comfortable with women beneath " them or over whom they can exert power without fear of competition or criticism.
The couple also needs marriage counseling. Since Weiner said his wife knew about his internet antics before they tied the knot and since his behavior continued, she needs to explore what in her judgment or self-esteem allowed her to put up with it or to be blind to the signs or his lies (no matter how good a pathological liar he is).
Such couples also need sex therapy, with homework like setting aside time to be lovers and not just parents, and how to satisfy sexual needs not currently being met in the union (Weiner even said certain women would not engage in certain sexual acts).
Can Weiner be reformed?Tough case, in my opinion. Strong fantasies and needs as those revealed in the sextexts and phone sex can be suppressed but persist, especially when the need is so strong to have his body parts, and his self, adored by many women. Those needs do not go away without intense therapy and a strong desire to change.
My advice: Go to acting classes, to get attention (he`s good at acting anyway). Throw himself into extreme sports to get his thrills, take risks and drain sexual energy. Hitting the wall in running releases the highs from the rush of pleasure-chemicals (endorphins) that are as pleasurable as orgasm.
Write a book about your life. Get a TV show like disgraced former NY governor Spitzer.
Other dangers foretell that their sex life could get worse. As a new mother spends more time and attention on the baby, the man feels more deprived, frustrated and resentful, and seeks satisfaction elsewhere.
The new mother is also too tired for sex, or hates her fuller or flabbier body.
If the baby was not planned, the working mother may also resent that she cannot pursue her career.
Some couples gamble that having a child will cement their commitment and stave off a man`s urge to stray. This last ditch effort often does not work.
Other betrayed political spouses provide opposing role models. Elizabeth Edwards stuck it out until the end (her sad death from cancer) despite Presidential hopeful John Edward`s long-time affair and love child with a former employee. On the other hand, Edwards` lover, Rielle Hunter, now raising that love child, is now dumping him (as he faces indictment), willing to go it alone.
Maria Shriver knew about Arnold Schwarzenegger`s behavior " the press exposed his groping and harassing other women years ago, even during Maria`s pregnancy with four children. She stayed, long suffering " until finally the last straw of the latest pubic revelations about his lies and love child.
Huma could suffer a similar long-suffering fate, if Weiner does not get rehabilitated.
When newly married and childless, it would have been easier to kick a louse to the curb. For now, Huma needs to give Weiner a second chance. But if bad behavior rears its ugly head at any point, she should not fall victim again, and instead of standing by her man, she should stand up for herself.
Dr. Judy Kuriansky is an internationally respected clinical psychologist at Columbia University Teachers College and an honorary professor at Beijing Health Sciences Center.Well known and valued for her wise advice and engaging manner as a radio call-in show host for decades, television commentator and print and online columnist, and relationship and sex counselor, she runs workshops and seminars for public and professional groups worldwide. Her expertise ranges from personal relations, evident in her books, The Complete Idiots Guide to a Healthy Relationship " and other Complete Idiots Guides " to Dating and to Tantric Sex as well as Generation Sex " and 31 Things to Raise a Child`s Self Esteem " to international relations, evident in innumerable articles and books like Beyond Bullets and Bombs: Grassroots Peacebuilding between Israelis and Palestinians. "An award-wining journalist, she comments on multi-media about news events and trends. A humanitarian and peace activist, she is an NGO representative at the United Nations, does projects on HIV prevention and women`s empowerment in Africa and has done disaster recovery after events like 9/11, the Asian tsunami, Hurrican Katrina and earthquakes in China and Haiti. Her band, The Stand Up for Peace Project " has played for the Dalai Lama, and does peace concerts and symposia globally. See www.DrJudy.com.
Judyth Piazza chats with Dr. Judy Kuriansky, Author and Host of ...