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Published:June 27th, 2011 10:48 EST
Is Google the Supreme Being?

Is Google the Supreme Being?

By Donna Cavanagh

Are you searching for the Almighty one? Have you eaten at the religion buffet " trying a little bit of this or a little bit of that hoping to feed your hungry soul? Well, do not fear any longer. I have figured out the questions of the Universe. In case you doubted, God does exist, and His name is Google.Okay, I hear scoffing and threats already, but allow me to present my arguments in a logical and scientific way.

First:  the name Google. It`s pretty close to God. Google is a smushed version of the two words God and Ogles which means God is watching. See?  That is logical--right?

Second:  God is omnipresent and omniscient; Google is omnipresent and omniscient.  This is how I know this.  I used to have Google ads on my site HumorOutcasts.com, but then a funny thing happened. One of my writers used the words spread  and  some body parts I won`t be specific about too close together and all my Google ads went away.  Yes, Google was able to read each word on my site from afar and Google was pissed at the sexual overtone of the post. And even though it wasn`t a sex article, Google made it clear that it was unacceptable to use those two words in near proximity of each other without incurring Google wrath. Thus, I lost my ads.

Third:  God will let us say we are sorry and move on. Usually, there is a bit of physical torture to endure before everything is honky dory again, but the lesson is supposedly that He forgives. Google also accepts repentance with a price.  Let`s go back to those ads, shall we?  Google seems to be okay with foul language, but I have to promise to post no words that might construe sexual activity. I find this a bit hypocritical especially if Google is God.  The Bible is rampant with sex and sex acts.  I don`t see how my little site contains anything more lewd than the Book.  And I have one more excuse that Google doesn`t have when it comes to using graphic language:  I have creative writers who sometimes need to use these words. It`s part of the creative process. There is no creative or artistic voice in the Bible--no, that lewd action going on in those verses is going on because the people were just promiscuous.   Google is worried about the word spread on my site when the Book has people hooking up with their own offspring, siblings and farm animals. And my site needs screening?  I think not.

Anyway, if I promise really loud not to allow certain words, I can seek forgiveness from Google and if Google does accept my apology, I can do penance which entails me filtering out the words that might be needed to make one of my writer`s stories the best story it can be.  Google, eerily like God, is tough. 

Fourth: Google runs the Internet world; God always ran the physical and above-the-physical world.  I think God devised Google so that He can seize control of not only the Earth and the heavens but cyberspace too. I bet he realized that sending prophets, plagues and natural disasters is a lot of upfront work that yields little respect and adoration back. God figured out that offering his children good things might keep them in line better than smiting them with bad stuff. Google also opens doors to good things.

Fifth (a minor argument but one worth mentioning):  Google has gourmet eating facilities for employees at their headquarters. Google employees have banquets every day.  In the bible, banquets were also very important. God`s main people were always throwing banquets, eating at banquets, getting thrown out of banquets. You get the idea: banquets were big .Coincidence: I think not.

Sixth: Any question one needs answered in this world is answered by typing it into the Google bar.  That`s the 21st century`s way of praying. "Please Google; tell me how to make a quiche from scratch?" Or "Please Google, tell me who was the actor who looked like a mini-John Denver and played the Brady Bunch`s cousin Oliver in the last season?"Or "Google, how do I make a photon torpedo that will blow the socks off the rest of the nerds at the next Star Trek
Convention?"  See, Google knows all.   Maybe God determined that prophets and plagues are a dime a dozen in today`s world, and He needed something with a more immediate impact, so He gave us the Internet--His own Google Internet. And another advantage to Google, the results are immediate. No one has to roam the deserts for decades or wait until he turns 150 years old to attain goals like the Bible people did. No, with Google, the reward comes quickly.

Hey, I know Yahoo and whoever else came on the scene want to think that they are the most powerful force on the Internet, but guess what? Until your name becomes a verb or you become the focus of an anti-trust suit, you are small potatoes.  Don`t believe me?  Google it.