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Published:July 5th, 2011 10:54 EST
Are You Too Good a Catholic? Take the Catholic Quiz

Are You Too Good a Catholic? Take the Catholic Quiz

By Donna Cavanagh

Are you too good a Catholic? Take the quiz below and if you answer "yes" to any of these questions, well, it`s too late for you.  

Question #1: When you buy a skirt do you place the hemline no more than 1 ½ inches above your knee -- the standard length for Catholic school uniforms?  The truly good Catholic school girl takes this hemline rule into post-school life because she knows it is sinful to show too much leg on most occasions.

For those rare events when a little leg is necessary (speeding tickets), a good Catholic girl keeps a supply of skirts that can be easily rolled up at the waistband allowing a hem to be  raised easily and discreetly.

Other wardrobe musts:  Turtle necks. Every good Catholic girl embraces the turtleneck as her best friend. There are rules of thumb for non-turtle neck wear and they are: For blouses "only the top button should be undone and for other necklines (which are not recommended),  the  skin exposure should always fall above the point where the first hint of cleavage begins.  In other words, sexy is not the target look for any good

Catholic female.

Question #2: Do you have acute Nun Radar?  How do you know?  You see three women walking together in a crowded public place and you make sure to say, Good morning, Sisters--even though they are in regular civilian attire. This is called Nun Radar, and only those who have attended more than eight years of Catholic school acquire this extra religious antenna.

What this means is that the nuns do not have to be sporting the special hat or dress or even driving a station wagon.   Don`t underestimate the Nun Radar talent.  While it might  not provide monetary reward, it does entertain your non-Catholic friends who cannot believe this amazing sixth sense.

Question #3:  There are six girls in your family. How many of them have some form of Mary in their name?  Being named after the Virgin Mary is one of the greatest honors in Catholicism. Not only does the world see you as virginal but that name gives you a leg up in the race for who gets to crown Mary during May procession. If you do not know what May procession is, move on to the next question because there is a good chance you have failed the basics in Catholic indoctrination.  

While we are on the name thing: 

Question #4: If you have boys in your family, are any named after Joseph of the Joseph, Mary and Jesus fame? Or the apostles?  This is important in determining your rank as a Catholic. An acceptable alternative to an apostle name is if your name was chosen from the Saint of the Day calendar.  Mega-Catholics can figure out someone`s birthday by their saint names.  For Example, if you meet a guy named Iggy,  you can pretty much bet his birthday is July 31st, the feast day of St. Ignatius.  Scoff if you must, and while I agree that the Saint of the Day calendar does give us some odd names like Aloysius and Fibitius, it doesn`t annoy us with ridiculous names like Tiffany, Apple, Moon or Sunshine.

Lastly, on the kids thing:

Question #5: Do you consider having only one child a sin and/or do your nine kids represent the only nine times you have had sex because as you know sex is only for procreation purposes as carnal desires are not a good thing and should be washed away with prayer and if that doesn`t work, pasta and cheesecake? 

Question #6:  When asked about women in the clergy (and while you cannot find a logical reason as to why women are not allowed to be priests), do you still answer Because only men were at the last supper?" Hey, it`s the company line, and you find it incredibly stupid and misogynistic,but you don`t want to oppose it for fear of going to hell or being excommunicated and shaming your mother who has already bought a substantial supply of the host and wine for her parish masses.

Question #7: Is "Gee, I hope he got last rites"  your first thought when you find out someone has died?   Do you believe that your ticket to heaven might be forcibly exchanged for a ticket to purgatory if you do not partake in last rites or last confession?  I admit this one puzzles me. If God does control when our time is up, why doesn`t He make sure that at everyone`s designated demise time, a priest is available if that is so important?  A helpful note: Really good Catholics don`t ask this question or any questions about sex and birth control unless they like to spend a good amount of time in high school detention.

While we are on the death thing:

Question #8: Are your loved ones buried in a consecrated cemetery where the residents are separated according to ethnic backgrounds?   Do you hear people say things like "Make
sure you put me in the Irish cemetery" or "He`s over there in the Italian part of the cemetery"?  Hell, if you have spent all your Sundays in church working for the ultimate reward, you don`t want your last real estate purchase to be next to someone who does not understand your cultural background.

And finally:

Question #9: After 20 years of being out of Catholic school, can you still translate Latin into English, and can you still recite the first verse of the Latin poem which goes:  Now, in Latin there are only five declensions. All the endings we must memorize and say. A is for the nominative, AE genitive and dative; AM accusative the Ablative Long A?   In truth, any kind of Latin translation gets you big points nowadays and not just religious points either. I admit that I loved Latin and another benefit to learning this dead language, anyone who takes this class kicks butt on the vocabulary section of the SATs.