September 18th, 2011 15:22 EST
You Need to Learn Football and Fast?
Recently, two women emailed and asked me to explain football to them. It seems their boss is hosting a football party and they did not want to look "stupid" when it came to the game. This was my response:
This is a very basic lesson. It will get you through your party. My best advice is to just watch the people in the room. When they cheer; you cheer. When they curse; you curse. Don`t volunteer information or opinions and if you find yourself over your head in football talk, jump up and say, "Can I get anyone a beer?" That will get you out of trouble quickly.
Offense: The Offense consists of the players who try and score the points. Each team has to put 11 men on the field and the referees get ticked if teams miscount. The Quarterback or QB is the leader and he is usually the cutest. This is not a steadfast rule, but he does seem to get the most commercial endorsements and the most Victoria Secret Models. He grabs the ball from the Center--the guy in front of him who passes the ball through his legs. Yeah, I don`t know who came up with this either. It`s stupid. Anyway, the QB passes the ball to the Wide Receivers, Tight Ends and sometimes Running Backs. These guys are fast and very nice looking in their uniforms. Take a look; you will agree. The QB can also hand off the ball to the Running Back and sometimes a Full Back who will try and run the ball toward the end zone. On the offense, there are also guards and tackles whose job is block the other team and try to keep them from flattening their QB.
If a team takes the ball into the end zone they get six points. I have always wondered who decided a score was worth six points. Why not make it one point or ten points? After a team scores a touchdown, they need to make the extra point which requires the field goal kicker (See below) to kick the ball through the goal posts. The team can also opt to run a regular play to get in the end zone again for an additional two points.
Each team`s offense gets four downs in an attempt to score. They accrue yardage which is why sometimes you hear "It`s 3rd and 2" which means they are on their third down and need just two yards to convert to another first down. You might also hear announcers say "3rd and 15" which means the offense screwed up and are going backwards on the field which is usually not considered a good thing.
If the team hasn`t scored a TD before they reach 4th down and they don`t want to give the ball back to their opponent, they can try and kick a field goal, which if successful, gets them three points. If they are too far down the field for a field goal, a team must punt the ball away to the opposing players. Punting requires putting the Special Teams Unit on the field.
Special Teams: Special Teams is neither Offense nor Defense. They are mainly the expendable players, and I think they are the players the coach likes least because they are the players who go out there knowing there is good chance they will get a concussion on any given play. The Special Teams player`s main job is to stand there and accept blunt force trauma from opposing team`s players running at them at 50 MPH. A punter (kicker from the team that couldn`t score but who is not the field goal kicker) will kick the ball to the opposing team and the guy at the other end of the field waves his hand which means fair catch which means the big men racing toward him cannot squash him like a bug. If he doesn`t wave fair catch -- well, he is on his own and will probably rue the day he decided to make football his career.
Defense: These are the players who stomp on the other team to prevent them from reaching the end zone and scoring. There are 11 players on defense too. They have names like Nose Tackle, Linebacker, Safety, and Cornerback. As a novice, just know the entire defensive line`s job is to pummel people and try to grab the ball away from the other team and cause a fumble which means the ball comes loose from the offense and mayhem ensues as all these grown men pile on top of each as they try to capture the unsecured football. I know it sounds silly, but it is quite exciting to see those fumbles and I myself have been known to yell in sports bars, "Fumble! Get the Freaking ball NOW!" Well, I don`t say freaking and I tend to get very emotional during football games and insult everyone from the coach to the refs to their pets to their mothers which is why I probably shouldn`t go to sports bars.
Defenses can also try and intercept a pass and if this happens, the defense becomes the offense and runs to the end zone to score. Yes, football is complicated and next lesson we will go over some rule infractions. Knowing and recognizing rule infractions makes you look really good. Honestly, and I have had this happen on more than one occasion, if you yell the words "Illegal block in the back" in front of a lot of men, they find you incredibly s(e)xy and will buy you drinks. It`s a great scam if you are low on money.
Anyway, rules and penalties is lesson two. Have a blast at the party and let me know how it goes and under no circumstances say anything like "Football is stupid" or "I am bored." That could get you fired.