September 30th, 2011 20:09 EST
When NFL Coaches Get their Feelings Hurt
Newspapers in St. Louis and Baltimore were abuzz about the hard feelings Rams` Coach Steve Spagnuolo experienced after the trouncing his good friend and Ravens` Coach, John Harbaugh delivered upon his team last week. After the embarrassing 37-7 loss, Spagnuolo went home and told his wife that their friendship with the Harbaughs was over, and they were never speaking to them again!
The news reports say that after seething for a few hours, Spagnuolo released his anger, forgave Harbaugh and the two are pals once again. But my sources (Looney Tunes, E! and FOX News) say this isn`t so. This is the real behind-the-scenes account of what happened to these two men and their friendship.
According to my sources, Coach Spagnuolo stormed into his home and yelled, "Do you believe Harbaugh, Honey? He beat us so bad. What kind of friend does that?"
To which Mrs. Spagnuolo replied, "It`s only a game, Dear. Get over it, and don`t do anything stupid. The economy is still in the toilet, and we need this job."
"I need revenge! My team has sucked for so long and now we are finally getting credit for doing things right, and this pompous guy comes along and pummels us? No, it`s over between us!"
My sources also confirmed that Coach Spagnuolo decided the best way to get revenge was to enlist the help of revenge experts and so, he held a secret meeting with two people who had a reputation for getting the job done. No, it wasn`t the Mob or even the quick-triggered Texas execution squad " he went to the best: two teenage girls in his neighborhood who were known for knocking off their enemies through social media.
He hired the young ladies, and the assault began. First, they discredited Harbaugh by posting fake letters on Facebook supposedly written by him to NCAA players. When these letters caused only a small ruckus, they started rumors that Harbaugh called Spagnuolo fat and ugly and then that Harbaugh pays referees bribe money to call penalties on opposing teams. Yes, comments started flowing in--well, on the fat and ugly comments-- no one really cared about the referee bribery. In retaliation, Harbaugh photo shopped and posted pictures of Spagnuolo in compromising positions with NFL League commissioner Roger Goodell. Well, Goodell was so upset by the photos that he put up his own post calling Spagnuolo a heartless and cold witch. Finally, Facebook and Twitter had to step in and they suspended everyone`s account and threatened all parties with criminal prosecution including the girls whose silence was earned with a trip to Hollywood and jobs as production assistants on their favorite TV show, Keeping up with the Kardashians.
Not wanting another criminal investigation focused on the league and hoping to restore the two coaches` friendship, Goodell brought in Dr. Phil and Oprah to help the coaches air their grievances. After a two-hour session, Dr. Phil got Spagnuolo and Harbaugh to say they loved each other and hug. Oprah was promised their vote when she finally runs as President of the World. My sources claim that in the emotional meeting, tears flowed, and the two friends rid themselves of the emotional baggage of jealousy and resentment that they held in their hearts for years, and which finally came out on that September day when the two met on the gridiron.
It`s funny that most NFL fans might not ever hear the TRUE story behind the harsh and angry emotions that these two men shared because of a football game--well, that`s not exactly true. Right now, Bob Costas is working out a deal with Looney Tunes, E! and FOX News to air the behind-the-scenes soap opera. He is calling it: When Coaches Hurt: The Spagnuolo-Harbaugh Affair. It is tentatively scheduled to air before Sunday Night Football on NBC next season.