November 13th, 2011 11:18 EST
I recently dropped some unexpected weight. I guess those Oreo cookies I scarf down don`t go to my hips as much as I thought. Anyway, I had to get new jeans because my daughter said I looked frumpy in the baggy ones I own. So, off to the store I went.
I actually found a nice pair by Gloria Vanderbilt. They were that new stretchy fabric which I guess means they suck in problem areas, but they weren`t Mom- jean looking, so I was happy. They did need to be hemmed. Anyone who has ever come in contact with me knows that sewing is not my forte. I almost failed the course in high school. It took a lot of cajoling and a promise that I would never go near a sewing machine again to get my teacher to give me a D. That was the only course in 12 years of school where I got below a B. I was devastated, embarrassed and almost without my college scholarship.
So, you can imagine why I am bitter about the whole needle and thread thing. In anticipation of this hem, I realized I had two choices: Take them to the nice lady who owns the dry cleaners and pay her $25 to do this or hem them myself. I decided that a needle and thread in my hands would probably result in injury plus I would most likely ruin my new pants, so I searched for alternate solutions that would keep me from bleeding and keep some money in my wallet. This is when I found the As-Seen-On-TV Snap your hem in place product. It looked sort of easy. The theory behind the product seemed plausible. You peel off the sticky stuff and put a snap on one side of the pant leg and then you peel off more sticky stuff and put another snap on the opposite side and you snap them together and your jeans are hemmed.
As I said, the theory was good, but it didn`t pan out. I did follow the directions, but I just couldn`t line up both sides correctly. Always one snap was just a millimeter off. I finally got them to "close enough for government work" status and went on my merry way to the grocery store. My hem did not even make it from the parking lot to the store when the snappy things peeled off and fell to the ground. Since I didn`t think it would be dignified to trip and fall in the produce aisle, I went back to my car and duct taped my hem. Yes, I keep tape in my emergency kit in my car which also has water, protein bars, a flashlight and a first aid kit. I don`t know what I am expecting, but when that Y2K thing came around I got nervous, so I filled my car with crap. Anyway, the moral of this tale is that I should have not been a cheapskate and paid the nice lady at the cleaners the $25 to hem my pants. I am bringing them to her tomorrow. I have come to realize that to have a future that includes jeans, I will need one of three things: longer legs, shorter pants, or a life supply of duct tape.