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Published:November 19th, 2011 13:03 EST
Not Breaking a Sweat to See Breaking Dawn

Not Breaking a Sweat to See Breaking Dawn

By Donna Cavanagh

Breaking Dawn, the latest of the Twilight flicks opens in theaters today. While I personally do not understand the hoopla behind the public`s adoration of vampires, I give kudos to Stephenie Meyer for writing this commercially successful franchise.  But we must brace ourselves because this weekend we will see both teenie boppers and s(e)xually-starved  middle aged women once again flock to movie theaters because let`s face it:  Nothing says love like sucking all the blood out of your partner until they die  and turn into an immortal monster. 

Oh yes, this is true romance until one  realizes what spending eternity with the same person means.Do you think vampires have divorce court?I can`t imagine that being with the same  bloodsucker for 600 years or more is all that desirable.No offense to my husband, but 600 years with  any man-- mortal or immortal--is too much to think about. I would be sharpening  that wooden steak by year 150. Okay, there is the a(s)surance that a vampire  spouse will take you dancing at night, but other than that, what is there?He can`t help around the house during the day -he has to sleep in the coffin. He can`t get a job, again the sleeping during  the day in the coffin thing. He won`t appreciate your cooking  because he can  only drink blood. So, really what are the advantages to being married to a  vampire? 

Well, people wouldn`t mess with you. If  someone ticks you off, there is no better weapon for revenge than a monster who  can literally make life a living hell for anyone who crosses his path.Also, if all the films are correct, any desirable  vampire comes with a mortgage-free mansion or castle. And paid off real estate  in today`s world is a big plus.Honestly,  I could perhaps overlook my vampire guy`s nighttime insomnia and penchant for vials  of blood for a debt-free lifestyle.

The thing about vampires though is that  they are always portrayed in movies as gorgeous hunks with manners, sophistication  and smoldering good looks, but that is not face of a real vampire. A real  vampire is a scary, hideous monster whose true looks would come out when he is  alone in the castle with you.How devastating  would it be to know you gave up your soul and mortality for a guy who you  thought had the face and body of (insert favorite actor here) only to discover that  when the sun goes down he is more like a 300-year-old Hugh Hefner with a bad overbite?   Eternity doesn`t look so good now does  it?

Well, for all those women who have  planned their Twilight outings already, I say have a great time.Enjoy your fantasies of lust and romance, but  remember, if there are real vampires out there, approach with caution. A s(e)xy  nibble on the neck might seem cute, but down the road it cost you a lot more  than a few hickies.