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Published:October 3rd, 2012 08:10 EST
Poor Oregon Farmer Terry Vance Garner Devoured By Own Beloved Gigantic Hogs!

Poor Oregon Farmer Terry Vance Garner Devoured By Own Beloved Gigantic Hogs!

By John G. Kays

A good bit more investigation needs to be done in the confounding case of Terry Vance Garner, 70, where it looks as if he was nearly entirely devoured by his own hogs, on his farm just outside of the town of Brandon, Oregon. Portions of his remains were found in his hog pen last Wednesday (September 26th), but not enough to conduct a proper autopsy. One item should be pointed out, which sticks out like a sore thumb, but it`s that these hogs weigh in at 700 pounds or more! This alone tells you a great deal.

What brought on the sow attack, when Terry Vance Garner went out to feed his beloved livestock, at 7:30 AM last Wednesday? We must assume this was an ordinary, daily duty of Terry`s, feeding his hogs, who must have consumed considerably large portions of feed in order to maintain this massive body weight we`re hearing about. We haven`t heard yet what he fed them, but (we can further assume) something went terribly wrong that misdirected morning!

Furthermore, we`re hearing of a precedent, a previous incident, a run in with one of the plumper hogs (I clumsily am stuttering out in ink), when Garner stepped on one of this sow`s piglets, then the hog retaliated and bit his or her`s landlord or bucolic guardian. Although it`s been reported, that aggressive attacks by domesticated pigs are mostly isolated, this pugnacious biting tends to go against the grain of these obscure statistics. 

And yet these were no ordinary hogs, it looks like these may have been giant killer hogs, hell bent on eating their happy-go-lucky caretaker for breakfast, a Happy Meal of sorts for porkin` carnivores who had no mercy, in the heat of a spell we`re still in need of explaining (if science, not necromancy can take command of the situation before irrational superstition has its field day). 

Well, maybe I`m getting a little carried away? And yet I`ve never heard of such a case ever before, except if it was clipped into some warped drive-in movie I saw one time way back in high school. Don`t remember such a scene though? Nevertheless, to top it off, and to show you I`m running with these extensions of imagination simply as a result of the available facts given to me in this case, Terry Garner never intended on slaughtering his beloved hogs. He kept them as pets, but they turned on him instead! Goodness gravy, why?

Well, he could have had a heart attack, then they just ate him once he was helpless, or possibly he was already dead. Or, another theory, is the hogs knocked him to the ground, ganged up on him, then began to eat him up. It`s hard to write this, but someone has to elaborate in graphic words how this bad juju could have gone down. Or, perhaps the larger one got agitated when he didn`t get a proper helping of feed, and just decided to eat his boss out of revenge or consumptive belligerence.

That`s the one I believe. We`ve always heard, pigs are intelligent animals, but they can be deviant creatures also. Rare attacks have been chronicled, such as a boar pinning a man against a tractor in England, then gnawing his left arm, back, and legs, as reported in the Telegraph in 2006 ( The first thing that ran through my mind, when reading this story on CNN yesterday, is, does it parallel George Orville`s Animal Farm in any way? Are hogs organized in a political fashion?

Could this leader killer pig possibly resemble Napoleon in Orville`s political satire, where Napoleon was modeled after Joseph Stalin? Did the leader hog change the sociological arrangement around in their sty in Coos County Oregon? This is outrageous, I realize, but something very strange occurred here that forensic science can not explain. Perhaps political science is a better route to take to the truth!