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Published:October 4th, 2013 11:25 EST

PETA Offers to Defray Costs of Flattening Penis-Shaped Bollards: Video

By Robert Paul Reyes

"If you`ve driven along Carothers and Finley avenues in the Glendale section of Scott Township lately, you might understand why the phallus-shaped concrete posts, called bollards, are getting a rise out of residents. In fact, displeasure with the barriers is running so high that some people are reportedly referring to one street as `Penis Road,` and township officials are talking about flattening the posts` domed tops to make them a little less controversial. Enter PETA, which has sent a letter to Scott Township Manager Denise Fitzgerald with an offer: PETA will help offset the costs of flattening the domed tops in exchange for placing ads on the posts prior to their remodeling that address the connection between eating meat, eggs, and dairy products and the incidence of male impotence. The ads would read, `Here`s a Tip: Go Vegan to Beat Impotence."



This is an update to my article:

I fail to understand why some residents of Scott Township have such a rigid hatred for the traffic barriers known as bollards or more colloquially as "row of penises."

Be that as it may, the bollard controversy is the most divisive issue ever to face the small town, but to the rescue comes the controversial animal rights organization PETA.

It`s an economic hardship for a small town to pay maintenance workers to flatten the concrete phallus-shaped concrete posts.

I`m not a rocket scientist or a nutritionist, and I am not quite convinced of PETA`s claim that eating meat, eggs, and dairy products cause impotence.

But I know a good deal when I see one, and I support PETA`s good work on behalf of animals. My advice: This is an offer that is too good to refuse; Township Manager Denise Fitzgerald should accept PETA`s generous offer.

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