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Published:April 26th, 2014 15:05 EST
Does the Flimsy Flick 'Transcendence' Hint At How We`ll Ultimately Lose Our Precious Internet?

Does the Flimsy Flick 'Transcendence' Hint At How We`ll Ultimately Lose Our Precious Internet?

By John G. Kays

If we don`t stop him it will be the end of mankind as we know it. Joseph Tagger (Morgan Freeman)

Transcendence, really a B flick disguised in a Big Money Hollywood production sheepskin (it`s old timey film cinematography), is mostly an entertaining Half-Star Bomb! With that qualification (pacification) in mind, some people might even get involved in the movie, if any of them would bother to go see it. 

Yet, with Rotten Tomatoes giving Transcendence an 18% grade (the average of their critic collective), it doesn`t look as if anybody will let their local neighborhood ticket-taker swipe their plastic. There were only two other people joining me in the smallest Cinemark auditorium they have to offer, although I did catch a matinee show on a weekday (most normal people have landed some sort of day job to pass their time).

Another problem I encountered, was my concentration got somehow compromised while watching, although I scored the most perfect seat I could find in the nearly empty, compact theater; got me the back row, smack dab in the middle, near the flickering light and chimerical, steady hum of the percolating movie projector. Okay, so I found myself daydreaming quite a bit and my mind became mumbled mush, as far as where the plot was taking me.

It seems like it was mostly the cheerful, expressive face of Evelyn Caster (Rebecca Hall) that would bring me back down safely to Station Earth. Morgan Freeman (playing scientist and FBI agent Joseph Tagger) woke me up some too; I wondered whether he was reprising his role from the Shawshank Redemption, Ellis Boyd Red Redding?

Well, I had to wait until I returned to my home before I could do some proper research on the internet; I did just that, and was able to plug up some of the holes (regarding the storyboard), I had lodged in my daffy brain. Why was a wasted, cracked-up laptop utilized as a doorstop, in an opening scene of the film? It turns out, in the present (when Trans. begins), the internet has vanished from the face of planet earth. 

Had I actually fallen asleep during the movie (I suspect I did dose off for a bit of time)? Why did R.I.F.T. kidnap Max Waters (played superbly played by Paul Hauser), then buddy up to him later on? Why didn`t Bree get a bit more screen time? Why did she keep changing her hair color (I prefer Kate Mara as a blonde)?

How did Martin (Clifton Collins) manage to snatch up that lucrative construction contract; I mean, of course, the building of the Artificial Intelligence facilities for the uploaded, but deceased genius, Dr. Will Caster (literally phoned in by Johnny Depp)? Why did Martin become the first Living Dead Guinea Pig of our mad anti-hero, otherwise a cloned hologram?

I awoke from my golden slumbers with a simulated caffeine jolt, right when Johnny`s upload (not really Dr. Caster) bilked millions of green backs out of (imaginary) Wall Street accounts; I realize then it was financial numbers running through my shaky circuit board, that so diverted my attention away from the murky quasi-scientific plot.

I need to stop asking all these stupid questions and just admit that Transcendence is a full-blown flop! An absolute wipeout of a washout! I don`t know that it even makes it to a 1/2 Star, maybe 1/4, or better 1/16 of Star. That would be equivalent to about 2% on the Tomatometer of Rotten Tomatoes; me with my dogged aptitude for number crunching, that sounds about right on the mark. 

Contrary to current popular trends, I do (go out on a flimsy limb) and recommend you to go see IT, just so you can experience what this nano-particle/holocaustal internet demise ditty is all about. I`ll probably catch (HELL) IT again (not the 24 hour stomach flu) on cable or perhaps on Netflix, if our adorable, addictive drug of an internet is still with us. Maybe then, after watching IT a second time around, I`ll understand the plot a trifle better. Let`s see, how did Caster regenerate Martin`s wounds again?