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Published:August 28th, 2014 10:38 EST

Breaking News: Hello Kitty Isn't a Cat! She's a Cartoon Girl! Video!

By Robert Paul Reyes

I have very disturbing news to report: Physicists, astronomers, theologians, and psychologists are going to hold a joint press conference in the White House, where they will present conclusive evidence that we are living in a simulated reality. In other words we aren`t real, nothing is real! We are trapped in the Matrix; we "exist" in the hard drive of a computer created by an advanced intelligence that we can`t fathom.


Actually the real breaking news is even more disturbing:

In a Los Angeles Times exclusive, Sanrio the maker of Hello Kitty, told an anthropologist from the University of Hawaii that Hello Kitty is not a cat, she`s not even Japanese. She`s a girl cartoon character.

Come to think of it, I should have guessed Hello Kitty wasn`t a real cat, after all she`s never depicted on all fours and I`ve never heard her meow. Hello! She doesn`t have a freaking mouth, how can she meow?

I hope no children read my articles; this news is too horrifying for them. I shouldn`t be worried, nobody reads my essays.

Some news should never be reported. What`s next? Will the New York Times report that Santa Claus isn`t real, that he`s really a skid row bum who moonlights as Jolly Old St. Nick to earn enough money for cheap wine?

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