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Published:September 3rd, 2014 10:13 EST

Ugliest Woman in America Steals Sexual Pleasure Aids from Walmart!

By Robert Paul Reyes

"Two Ohioans are facing theft charges after they allegedly swiped four sexual pleasure aids from a Walmart during a 1:45 AM shopping trip, police report.


According to cops, Walmart security guards detained Kia Porter, 23, and Geoffrey Greene, 20, after the Cleveland residents were spotted last week stashing the merchandise into Porter`s purse as they moved through the store in South Euclid, a Cleveland suburb."

The Smoking Gun

The pair stole two Trojan Intense Pleasure vibrating rings and a his and hers vibrating ring and massager. This is not your father`s Walmart; I had no idea they sold sexual pleasure aids.

Kia Porter, pictured flipping the bird in this selfie, is hands down the ugliest woman I have ever seen in my life. Knocking boots with her would be a nightmare, even with the help of every sexual pleasure aid in Walmart`s shelves. I hope Porter stole a garbage bag to cover up her simian-looking face.

Pic of the nasty, butt-ugly Kia Porter:

If you shoplift sexual aids at a Walmart at 1:45 AM, you are a sexual deviant who doesn`t deserve to live in a civilized society.

I don`t know if Porter should be thrown into jail or a zoo.