Contact theSOPAbout theSOPSupport theSOPWritersEditorsManaging Editors
theSOP logo
Published:December 16th, 2017 11:16 EST
christmas

Ten Worst Things About Christmas

By Robert Paul Reyes

EGGNOG

An alcoholic beverage made with milk, egg yolks, rum or whiskey, and spices doesn`t sound particularly appetizing, and it`s not! Is it any wonder that nobody consumes this noxious brew any time other than Christmas?

christmas

CHRISTMAS OFFICE PARTIES

Most Christmas office parties are not held at the office, but after work at a bar or restaurant. I don`t relish the idea of spending my free time with my co-workers, in fact I`d rather give Oprah Winfrey a one-hour Brazilian wax than spend a minute with my colleagues during my free time. Is it any wonder that most people get absolutely toasted at office parties, that`s the only way they can survive the excruciating ordeal.

SECRET SANTA

Secret Santa is a Christmas tradition in which members of a group (usually employees who work in the same office) are randomly assigned a person to whom they give a gift. The identity of the gift giver is a secret not to be revealed.

I usually take some thought and consideration in buying a gift for the person I was assigned even if I`m not especially fond of that person. My Secret Santa invariably turns out to be a cheap bastard who buys me a tie or a damn pair of socks.

CHRISTMAS MOVIES

Christmas Movies are cheesy and saccharine productions tailor-made for Hallmark, Lifetime and Netflix. Out of the thousands of Christmas flicks, there are only four good ones: Diehard, Bad Santa, Bad Santa 2 and It`s a Wonderful Life.

CHRISTMAS SWEATERS

Nobody looks good in a Christmas sweater, even Salma Hayek wouldn`t look good if she was clad in a Christmas sweater and nothing else, no pants, no panties, no nothing! Some hipsters have an ironic appreciation for Christmas sweaters, but there`s too many losers who actually think they are hot shit when they wear a Christmas sweater to work.

CHRISTMAS CAROLLERS

These wankers perform in a public place (usually a shopping mall) or go from house to house singing Christmas carols. I`d rather have my peace and quiet interrupted by Jehovah`s Witnesses than by smiling bastards singing beloved Christmas carols off-key.

FAMILY CHRISTMAS DINNER

At Christmas family members who for excellent reasons (they despise each other) don`t get together any other time of the year sit down to enjoy a meal. There`s always the crazy uncle who spouts conspiracy theories, the incontinent grandma who poops in her diapers, the delinquent nephew who`s watching porn on his cellphone during the blessing, the nympho aunt who is hitting on her brother-in-law, and the crying baby that you are just dying to throw into the fireplace.

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

Like any dude I hate shopping on a normal day, going Christmas shopping is a freaking nightmare. The only available parking is a mile from the store, stationed by the front door is a Salvation Army volunteer giving you a nasty look for not dropping a coin in his kettle, and the store is jam-packed with shoppers who are filled with anything but the Christmas spirit.

MALL SANTAS

Your mall Santa is either a wino, a pedophile or both, parents who let their innocent children sit on Santa`s lap should be reported to the authorities.

RADIO STATIONS THAT GO TO AN ALL CHRISTMAS MUSIC FORMAT DURING CHRISTMAS

I don`t mind hearing a Christmas standard or two during the holiday season, but why in the name of God does my favorite oldies station play Christmas music 24/7 starting as early as the day after Thanksgiving? If I hear Mariah Carey`s "All I Want for Christmas" one more time, I`m going to murder the fat whore.

Dang, is there anything good about Christmas?

Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes

Photo Credit: Wikipedia

Link to homepage of Robert Paul Reyes: http://robertpaulreyes.com/