February 9th, 2018 12:43 EST
Redneck Attacks Roommate Over Stale Cap'n Crunch
"An Alabama man allegedly beat his roommate after discovering that the victim had failed to properly seal a box of Cap`n Crunch cereal, which had gone stale, police report.
Duane Barry Smith, 52, was arrested Friday for domestic violence following a confrontation with the man he shares a residence in Moundville, a town outside Tuscaloosa.
According to police, the victim said that Smith became upset upon discovering the stale cereal and blamed him for failing to keep the Cap`n Crunch fresh. Smith was especially perturbed since he is missing teeth and had difficulty consuming the stale cereal.
At one point, Smith demanded that his roommate remove his dentures so that he could experience how hard it was to consume the Cap`n Crunch. When the man refused, Smith allegedly began striking the victim with an electrical cord."
The Smoking Gun
The dateline for this Smoking Gun article is Moundville, Alalabama, the epicenter of redneck tomfoolery, witness this story that I wrote last month:
Moundville Country Bumpkins Epic Fight Over Cheesecake:
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, and I munched children`s cereal, but when I became a man, I put away children`s cereals like Count Chocula and Cap`n Crunch.
But in Alabama rednecks not only love them some children`s cereal, they also love to court teen girls, and they madly love pedophiles like Roy Moore.
But I must admit that Cap`n Crunch is delicious, especially when it`s fresh and crunchy. Eating stale cereal is like smoking a blunt that you accidentally dropped in your toilet; I can understand Smith`s umbrage at his roommate/lover? at not properly sealing the box of cereal.
The victim should consider himself blessed that that the toothless wonder didn`t hit him over the head with a jug of moonshine after he worked him over with an electrical cord.
The moral of this story: Don`t ever visit Moundville, but if business requires that you visit that godforsaken place, take a zombie survival kit with you. If you pick up the last cheesecake or the last box of Cap`n Crunch at a grocery store and the shoppers start heading in your direction, for the love of God blast their brains with a double-barreled sawed-off shotgun.
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