June 30th, 2008 07:45 EST
Scooter Libby, After One Year
Nearly one year ago, just hours after a federal appeals court refused to allow Scooter Libby to remain free pending the appeal of his perjury conviction, President Bush rushed forward to commute the jail sentence of the former aid to Vice President Cheney.
Although Bush kept Scooter from spending the 4th of July in the slammer, the president let stand Libby`s felony conviction, the $250,000 fine and two-year probation period.
Most distressing is the felony conviction.
That means that, in order to vote, Scooter will have to register as a Democrat, America`s "big tent" party for the deceased, those here illegally and felons.
Howard Dean calls it "inclusive politics," however, federal and state laws classify it as voter fraud.
Raising $250,000 should be relatively easy.
All Libby needs to do is contact a liberal publisher and mention that he would like to write an exposÃ© about Dick Cheney, from an "insider`s" perspective.
You know, reveal dirty little secrets about Cheney`s wonky heart (he does not actually have one!). Tell the truth about shooting that lawyer in Texas (it was NOT an accident!).
Reveal how President Bush wanted Cheney`s daughter, Mary, to abort her pregnancy until the president learned that the father was a good-hearted, hard-working (and fertile!) illegal alien from Mexico who needed an "anchor baby" to avoid deportation!
On and on. Make the manuscript crude enough, Scooter, and you could be on the New York Times Best Seller List before summer`s end.
Even better: Announce that you are going to include a chapter or two about the personal life of W, and you might see a full-blown pardon coming your way before you get around to firing up your word processor!
In reality, Scooter Libby could have avoided prison and made a small fortune if he had played his cards differently.
Next time, Scooter, follow this strategy.
To begin with, right after your conviction, change your name to JosÃ© Libbernandez and assume a Spanish accent. A fake ID, including Social Security number and drivers license, can be purchased directly from Ted Kennedy out of his office on Capitol Hill.
Next, scurry down to Mexico, secure a respectable amount of marijuana, cocaine and heroine, and steal across the border into the US at a location where you are most likely to be spotted by Border Patrol agents.
When spotted by Border Patrol, make a U-turn and start running back towards Mexico.
At that point, because they are racist pigs, the Border Patrol will chase you and, most probably, shoot you in the butt.
Do not panic: Your ship has finally come in!
After the Border Patrol has arrested you, JosÃ© Libbernandez, you will be allowed one call.
Use this call wisely by contacting the nearest ACLU office and tell them you are an illegal alien who has been shot in the ass by the Border Patrol on the American side of the border.
Be sure to mention that you were shot while smuggling drugs into the US.
Within 10 minutes or so, an ACLU lawyer will arrive at your cell to greet and comfort you. He or she will immediately begin working on your behalf, and will text message Homeland Security Guru Michael Chertoff to inform him of your plight.
Before you are actually booked, the Chertoff goons, in concert with the ACLU, will have bailed you out of jail and arrested all of the offending Border Patrol agents.
You will then be granted immunity from any and all crimes in exchange for your testimony against the criminals-- those punks who, until two hours ago, were Border Patrol agents.
Early next morning, your ACLU lawyer will visit you in your executive suite at the finest hotel in town (paid for by the DOJ) where you sign the documents needed to sue the former Border Patrol agents, the US government and all conservative radio talk show hosts and columnists.
Provided the ACLU can find the right leftist judge and a rigged jury, you could be rewarded for your troubles with a five-million-dollar judgment!
That is nearly what you would have hauled in by selling all those drugs, Scooter!
What`s that, Scooter? You are worried that you might be turned over to American authorities and prosecuted?
Remember, you are JosÃ© Libbernandez, a good-hearted, hard-working peasant who just came here to do work that Americans will not do! You are now part of a protected class; a man to whom the rule of law does not apply.