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Published:July 2nd, 2008 21:35 EST
Illegal Aliens Anonymous

Illegal Aliens Anonymous

By John Lillpop

Alcoholic Anonymous has earned worldwide fame for its success in treating people afflicted with alcoholism. The heart of AA is the twelve step program which, when followed religiously, usually delivers the gift of sobriety.

Illegal aliens are much the same as alcoholics; in fact, most invaders are drunks. Because of the urgent need to rehabilitate these good hearted, hard working criminals, the steps of AA have been adopted to the lives and times of illegal aliens.

As could be expected, the original version of the Twelve Steps of Illegal Aliens is in guttural Mexican, written and produced in San Francisco.

What follows is an English translation, offered for the benefit of taxpayers that need to know how their money is being wasted on illegal aliens.


1. We admitted we were powerless over our drive to violate US borders, language, and culture in order to invade America and change everything.

2. Came to believe that Deportations by a power greater than ourselves could be thwarted by moving to San Francisco and other bastions of anti-American liberal insanity known as sanctuary cities.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to La Raza, the ACLU, the DNC, Barack Obama, and John McCain, and the mainstream media.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Finding none, we found "Family Values do not end at the Rio Grande" to be a mindless slogan uttered by a mindless politician bent on mindless pandering to Hispanics and mindless obstruction of the rule of law.

5. Admitted to no one, especially to agents of the Border patrol, Homeland Security, ICE, the Minutemen, and local law authorities, the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to march and riot in the streets should ICE or any other law enforcement agency even consider deporting illegal aliens to the Mexican side of the border.

7. Humbly asked Barack Obama and John McCain to grant amnesty to our sorry, brown butts no later than 1 PM on January 20, 2009.

8. Would have made a list of all persons we had harmed, and would have been willing to make amends to them all, were it not for the fact that we are but a collection of illiterate peasants who could care less about the fate of gringos foolish enough to get in our way.

9. Would never make direct amends to such people, especially since doing so would bring horrific damage to the Mexican economy and the sacred objectives of the Reconquesta movement.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly denied it and shouted RACISM! non-stop at the very top of our lungs.

11. Sought through alcohol and illegal drugs to improve our conscious contact with the omnipotent Illegal Alien in the Sky, as we understood Him, praying only for free tacos and ice-cold beer to sustain us throughout the scalding summer.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we carried this message to other illegal aliens and encouraged them all to vote Democrat in the November elections.

Happy rehab, Pancho!