My Resolutions for 2009

My resolutions for 2009 are as follows:

I will pray for sex, but confess to nothing;

I will give up incontinence, except in emergencies;

I will forgive my ex-wife for all wrongs done me, immediately following her internment;

I will schedule my grandmother for one less future visit each time she whines "You never visit me," during one of my visits;

I will finish the sixth grade--for the fourth time;

I will thoughtfully consider all comments about my columns.. and then continue to write and say exactly what I damn well please!

I will give up religious rituals for Lent;

I will faithfully pay all taxes owed for any income in excess of $200,000;

I will refuse to work for the impeachment of President Barack Obama before noon on January 20, 2009, and

I will abstain from abstinence.

Happy New Year!