June 3rd, 2008 19:57 EST
Behold a Rich Jerk, Felix Kelly
Bada bing, bada boom. There he has it, and he can tell you how you can get it, too. Get what, you ask? Get rich, of course.
It has been said that a sucker is born every minute. That`s 1,440 suckers per day. And of that number, 14.5 per day (low-balling based on a one out of 1-3 percent return on investment) across the nation (maybe the world) seriously consider sending Felix Kelly $49 to tell them how to get what he`s got. The worst-case scenario is this: At a one-percent return on investment (the low end), he makes $710.50 per day. That`s just less than $5,000 per week. That tabs out to just more than a quarter of a mill a year. Not a bad take just for telling people he`s a rich jerk. Just for convincing them that they, too, can be rich jerks. And even if he`s not rich now, he soon will be. According to Felix Kelly, he`s got material possessions galore and millions of dollars just to play with; and, with those numbers, it`s not hard to believe. Shelling out forty-nine bucks should be a cake walk for those who want to get rich like Felix. On the high end, at three-percent ROI, the best-case scenario is that he makes $2,116.80 per day. Cha-ching.Desperate Hollywood actors (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0271326/) like Felix, who secure such illustrious roles as teenage guy " in Scrambled, customer no. 3 " in 7th Heaven, and an uncredited role in Artificial Intelligence, may be so hungry they`ll come up with anything to make money except for finding a real job. So, he asks on his web site, "Just who the hell is Felix Kelly?" None other than The Rich Jerk of the notorious Internet marketing guru site www.therichjerk.com. He calls himself a jerk, but if you saw the movie Se7en, don`t be fooled by the fact that he appears to be more of a psycho than a jerk. All Internet marketing psychos are not necessarily stupid. Never underestimate a starving(?) young actor who wants to make his mark on society at any cost.
The hardest decision to make is whether or not you`re going to spend $49 just to prove him, and your hunches about him, wrong. Either way, if you`re out to prove he lies; the only way to do that is to give him the money before he comes to town with a flute (or a pied pipe) and whisks off all of your kids to a hidden mountain. If you`re curious, and just hoping he`s telling the truth, then I have just two words: caveat emptor.
Don`t sweat yourself over the list of criteria on how to identify an Internet marketing scam. It doesn`t take a marketing expert or a fair trade commission investigator to see this one coming a mile out from shore, especially if you`ve been scammed before. No, it`s not just the part on the Legal Junk page of his site that claims, "We make no guarantees." That`s too obvious. The glaring facts are:
(a) Mr. Kelly doesn`t readily nor voluntarily reveal himself or where he is-- you have to do some digging to find out who he is, and what he`s really all about; and,
(b) If you haven`t figured it out by now, the only persons who ever get rich are the ones who can convince you that they can tell you how to get rich. Not show, but tell.
Final round of Jeopardy: The category is Internet Marketing Guru Scams for 500.
Answer: Invest in a cheap website, some huge multimedia banner ads, pay a few "hot babes" to walk around an indoor, hotel swimming pool, add a slick Benjy to pose with you in a couple of cheesy photos while you wear not-so-dark sun glasses and convince others you are oh-so-rich while you`re still poor.
[Clock-is-ticking music plays; go ahead, hum-along, you already know how it goes...]
Question: How do you become a rich jerk?
[Yes-bell and no-buzzer sound at the same time.] Why? Because, yes, the question is right; however, the answer is not going to make anyone rich except for, you guessed it, Felix Kelly.
Like every other rich jerk in the world, you either love his bold, blatant, cocky, overly self-assured, stud man, no-holds-barred, guerilla-tactics style of getting on your last nerve; or, you`d like to see him suffer a horrible Internet marketing hostile takeover.