January 29th, 2009 19:36 EST
Snuggies: The Blanket With Sleeves Taking America By Storm
We`ve all seen the ubiquitous commercial for "Snuggie", an oversized fleece blanket with sleeves.
USA Today and Time Magazine have written articles about the blanket that has blanketed America with its warmth.
Let me digress by pointing out that USA Today is America`s newspaper, our country is so homogenized that one newspaper can speak for us and to us in a language that we can understand. Newspapers are an anachronism and only the following few will survive: New York Times, Washington Post, LA Times, Wall Street Journal, one of the Chicago newspapers and of course USA Today.
"The Cult of the Snuggie threatens to take over America! Or at least, a substantial number - 4 million - of late-night couch spuds.
The Snuggie, an oversized fleece blanket with sleeves, stars in a ubiquitous TV ad so cheesy it`s practically art, and apparently wildly entertaining. The ad shows people wearing Snuggies at a sporting event, cheering and high-fiving each other while dressed " sort of like medieval monks."
The Snuggies commercial is a minimalist masterpiece, in a few seconds it bathes viewers with love and warmth. It depicts people wearing Snuggies at home and at sporting events -- it`s worth noting that everyone wearing a Snuggies has a huge smile on his face.
If you`ve been diagnosed with clinical depression, throw away your anti-depressants, fire your shrink, and buy a Snuggies. It`s impossible to feel the blues when you are clad in a bright red Snuggie. Everyone, not just those afflicted with depression, should be "wrapped in warmth."
Yes, I`m a cynical columnist, but I don`t have an ironic appreciation for Snuggies. I have an honest to goodness appreciation and adoration for my Snuggies -- the security blanket for the age of anxiety. The Large Hadron Collider may unleash a baby black hole that gobbles up the Earth, and global warming may destroy our planet, but as long as I`m wearing my Snuggies I`m as happy and worry-free as a purring kitten.
I wear my Snuggies at home all the time, and I might even wear it to the ballpark. Who cares if I look like a Medieval monk, I`m one monk who has discovered the secret of happiness.
The blond suburban mom who is the star of the Snuggies commercial, is my latest obsession, she is the epitome of the woman of the 21st century. She`s a loving Mom who cuddles with her young daughter, and she`s an intellectual who loves to read. But she`s also the hottest babe ever to put on a Snuggies, I would only share my Snuggies with her. I`m dying to hook up with her and have her bear me a Snuggie-wearing baby.
Snuggies is such a wonderful product, that the only complaints are from folks who gripe that they had to wait as long as six weeks to receive their heaven in a blanket. Gee, Americans are spoiled, we want instant gratification. Can`t these folks patiently wait for a few weeks to receive the most wonderful thing in the world?
I`m a journalist who can`t be bought, I`m not a paid shill for Snuggies. Buy a Snuggies and you too will be singing its praises.