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Published:July 28th, 2007 05:03 EST
Canada's Coin Con

Canada's Coin Con

By John Lillpop


Since 9/11, most Americans, excepting President Bush, Democrats, and RINOs, have felt a growing concern about the threat posed by our southern neighbors. Indeed, given the Mexican government`s decision to solve poverty in Mexico by moving it to the U.S., it certainly appears as though an undeclared war is being waged against America and her good citizens.

However, while all reasonable and patriotic eyes have been trained on our porous southern border, our once reliable friends to the north have taken advantage of our disaffection with Mexico in order to execute a sinister plot against the U.S. economy and well being of the American people.

I refer to Canada`s Coin Con, as manifested by the scores of millions of Canadian quarters that have been dumped on unsuspecting Americans from sea to shining sea.

How can a simple coin be so unsettling to the most powerful and prosperous nation in the world?

Glad you asked, mate!

For it is an immutable fact that the Canadian government is plotting to take over the United States with its high technology Poppy Quarter spying technology.


In addition to Canada`s vicious plan to take over governance of the U.S., the infusion of the Canadian quarter into America has other dire consequences, the most grave of which is the Coin Rejection Ploy.

Who has not experienced the anger and mind-blowing frustration of being desperately in need of a cool refreshing soda, in 111-degree heat, only to discover that the next retail outlet is 50 miles removed?

The only way to get a cool one is through a quarters only machine.

You do not panic because you believe you just might have the six quarters needed to stave off death by dehydration and or heat prostration.

However, time is of the essence, so you move with haste to empty your pockets of all coins, and you begin counting.

Twenty-five cents, fifty cents, seventy-five cents, one dollar, and one dollar and twenty-five cents, and Praise Be the Lord, quarter six is found!

Salvation through fear has saved the day.

You race over to the life-saving vending machine and, in prayerful thankfulness, drop each precious quarter into the machine.

It won`t be long now you say to yourself, in anticipation of that first gulp of ice-cold soda, which until now had always been nothing more than a recreational drink.

Soda is now a spiritual commodity.

As your mouth quivers with excitement, you drop the sixth quarter into the machine. The CLANK resounding from the coin return slot tells you that something is amiss.

Mindful of the very limited time left before you melt in public, you grab the wonky coin, clean it thoroughly, and redeposit the SOB.


Several other attempts yield the same dreary result. CLANK!

With no absolutely zero chance of surviving for more than two or three hours, you inspect the offending coin and make the jarring discovery:

It`s a bloody Canadian coin!

Another American victim of the brutal and inhumane Coin Rejection Ploy, engineered by evil Canadians to put the U.S. vending machine sector out of business.

Very cunning and diabolical!

But there may be hope.

Reliable sources are reporting that President Bush has taken off his gloves and intends to personally fight the Canadian Coin Con.

Opel Bijiquiovarti, beltway insider and possible numismatist, has sent us a bootlegged copy of a top secret, confidential memo from President Bush to Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Joseph Harper.

Bijiquiovarti is acting under the condition of anonymity.

The Bush March 3, 2007 memo to Stephen Joseph Harper is presented without change or revision below:

March 3, 2007

Stephen Joseph Harper, Right Most Honoruable


Yo! Harpo!

How are things in the land of Poppy and Maple Leafs, your Right Most Honoruable?

By the way, what is with than extra U?    Yo! Blair! Had the same problem--must be a language flaw in Britain and her subject nations?

We trust that you are finding success in your efforts to ward off those legions of commie pinkos that have infested your treasured nation. Please remember that Canada must be "commie free" in order to qualify for the North American Union (NAU) that will replace Canada, Mexico, and the United States on January 21, 2009.

I am writing today to voice my concern over a very serious situation involving the very dangerous influx of Canadian quarters into the American currency.

Until recently, this phenomenon has been limited to disturbing a few knot heads stupid enough to drop a Canadian quarter into an American vending machine.

Big deal--NOT!

However, a recent event in Mexico has brought to note the serious nature of the Canadian Coin Con, as this crime against humanity is being called in Washington, D.C., and Mexico City.

The story: This afternoon, I received an urgent text message from Felipe Calderon, President of what some naively continue to call Mexico.

Felipe reported that a major scuffle had broken out in Tijuana between several hundred good hearted, hard working Mexicans who wished to migrate north without papers and a Coyote, a gentleman who would smuggle said Mexicans to safe haven within the U.S. in exchange for a reasonable payment of pesos.

Apparently all systems were go: The Mexican peasants had loaded all of their worldly goods into several Coyote vans, and the final step was for the Coyote to collect his smuggling fees.

Ranchero Dingynez, leader of the peasants, happily turned over 3,450 bags of coins to the Coyote for the trip north. Just to be on the safe side, Dingynez had arranged that very morning to convert the life savings of all the peasants into American quarters.

There was no room for error at this point.

That, Mr. Harpo, is when all Hades broke loose!

To begin with, the Coyote was pissed off at being paid with nearly 3,500 bags of coins. Good gravy, in the smuggling trade one looks to draw as little attention to one`s self as possible.

Hauling 3,500 bags into a bank does not pass the "under the radar" smell test.

Then came the REAL bad news: All coins in those bags were Canadian quarters! A currency not accepted by low-life smugglers!

As a result of this Canadian coin kerfuffel, America lost several hundred mindless laborers needed to pick grapes and Avocados for $3.00 an hour, fourteen hours a day, in 120-degree heat!

Harpo, as you and I have discussed openly, I see a bright future for you in my NAU administration starting in 2009. In order to retain your favorable position, I urge you to take immediate action to keep those damn Canadian quarters out of America.

See to it!


President George W. Bush

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, D.C.