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Published:November 8th, 2007 00:47 EST
Waist Not, Want Not?

Waist Not, Want Not?

By John Lillpop

Anyone worth his or her weight in Reese Buttercups knew that this day would eventually come to pass. It was a gut feeling to all who have fought the battle of the bulge for four or more successive decades.

News Item: So-called medical "experts" have determined that overweight folks have a lower death rate than people who are normal weight, underweight or obese.*

Caution: This revelation is being peddled by the same oafs who devised those idiotic insurance height-weight charts that made instant billionaires out of weight loss clinics, but who have contributed little or nothing to the overall health of the American public.

That`s right; the same goons who warned that `love handles` are precursors to an early and painful death now sound a new alarm. Namely, not having fat reserves can lead to-- an early and painful death!

This breaking news, the equivalent of Lincoln`s Emancipation Proclamation to the pleasantly plump, is way over due. Considering the human misery involved, some fat bigots regard those height-weight charts to be nearly as onerous as slavery!

Ironically, a skinny southern attorney may be just what millions of modestly overweight Americans need to cure the harm suffered at the hands of terrorists with stethoscopes and height-weight charts, i.e., medical doctors.

Once John Edwards admits that there is a greater likelihood that he will be elected to replace Pakistan`s Pervez Musharraf than becoming President of the United States, John-John will immediately abandon politics in favor of chasing ambulances and putting medical doctors out of business.

In other words, Edwards will listen to his inner child and return to his first love: suing doctors. This time, Edwards will target physicians guilty of using the "W" word-- weight-- against unsuspecting patients.

Edwards can be counted on to file a trillion-dollar class action lawsuit on behalf of millions of Americans victimized by fatphobia, a malady found in the office of nearly every physician who practices Internal Medicine.

North Carolina`s very own Edwards will seek compensation for hundreds of billions of dollars wasted on self-deluding treachery such as:

* Commercial weight loss clinics, fat farms and self-help clubs.

* Membership fees paid to pricey exercise oases by victims whose only exercise comes from writing checks to pay extravagant membership fees.

* Treadmills, rowing machines, stair masters and similar exotic anti-fat machines that otherwise sane people purchase but rarely use, except after unholy eating binges.

* Lifestyle coaches who, given their lean frames, are now the endangered ones.

* Prescription drugs designed to kill one`s appetite, but which often kill the patient as well.

* No-fat and reduced-fat products, better known for being `No Taste.`

* Tailoring to take in/ let out, take in/let out, take in/ let out, and on and on and on, to accommodate constantly changing clothing sizes, and

* Hundreds of millions of cartons of spoiled cottage cheese, bought with good intent, but trashed in favor of pizza, popcorn and hot fudge sundaes craved by starving dieters.

With John Edwards on the case, disenfranchised dieters can rest assured that they will get their day in court.

And after John-John deducts his legal fees from the several trillion dollars awarded by the jury, each and every modestly overweight person in America should wind up with enough change to buy at least one (small) Reese Buttercup for the holidays!

*New York Times: