April 4th, 2008 06:13 EST
Dude Steals Guitar by Placing it down his Pants
"Police are searching for a man accused of shoving an electric guitar in his pants and walking out of a store in Lewiston, Maine."
Quotation from the Associated Press (AP)
Sometimes it's political Web sites that provide fodder for my columns, and sometimes it's the "Odd News" section of Yahoo News. Some wags argue that it's becoming increasingly difficult to tell the difference between political sites and the ones that specialize in weird news.
Hillary Clinton claims to have survived sniper fire in Bosnia! Hillary states she once fought with Mike Tyson and has an ear made out of silicon as a souvenir of her encounter with the pugilist. Which one is the parody news story, it's difficult to tell.
It's hard to look inconspicuous with a guitar rammed down your pants; the brazen thief (he's not identified by the AP) should be commended for being able to walk out of the store. What's his next heist going to be, stealing a Chihuahua from a pet store by pretending it's his Seeing Eye Dog?
The bad guy made a clean getaway, but I can imagine a cop's bemusement had he caught him walking out of the store:
Officer: Is that a Fender Stratocaster in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Crook: Officer, I paid for this guitar. I have the receipt in my back pocket, but I can't reach it with this thing crammed down my pants.
You would think that this theft was a spur-of-the-moment insanity, but apparently there was planning involved because the shoplifter had two of his buds serving as lookouts.
I can imagine the complicated and intricate planning this caper entailed:
Guitar Guy: Dudes, let's steal a guitar!
Bud #1: OK, dude, but let's wait until this Brady Bunch episode is over.
Bud #2: Dude, how we gonna snatch a guitar?
Guitar Guy: Putting down his Doritos and exclaiming: I could stuff it down my pants.
Bud #1: The Blunt you're smoking must be laced with a hallucinogenic; your idea sucks.
Bud #1 (six joints later) Yo, the more I think about it, the more I like your idea, let's do it!
Dang, let me put down my Doritos and Ding Dongs and try to write a serious essay to make up for this piece of fluff.