April 9th, 2008 02:25 EST
Rising to the Occasion with the Help of Modern Medicine!
In many ways, erectile dysfunction (ED) is the male equivalent of the nagging headache suffered by women. However, unlike the headache, ED is a complex physiological and psychological malady, rather than a blunt weapon in the ongoing war between the sexes.
Substantiating Logic: Rarely has ED shut down an otherwise healthy male simply because one's partner forgot a birthday, or anniversary or forgot to say, "I love you!" 350 times in English, French and Swahili before commencing intimacy.
Most telling: Unlike the headache, ED cannot be feigned. For example, a man without ED cannot avoid intimacy by telling his lover, "Not tonight, dear. My ED is acting up again-- must be the frost!"
Either you have ED, or you don't. And the truth is quite obvious, bitterly and painfully so, when you do!
Because ED is the most disabling medical trauma ever to afflict mankind, modern medicine has correctly halted research into deadly killers like cancer, diabetes and heart disease in order to bring the world a greater good: Erectile function on demand!
As a result, the best minds in medicine have developed a number of fast-acting medications that can turn a 60-year-old, over- the-hill codger into an 18-year-old stud within minutes after ingestion of a magical pill.
This boon in sexual readiness medicines has spawned a new era in advertising as well, as corporate pharmaceuticals go head-to-head or groin-to-groin, to be more exact, to capture the tens of billions of dollars that American men, and their partners, are willing to spend in order to be players in life's most vital game.
Many of the new ED ads are nauseatingly simple-minded and offensive. Others are witty and quite entertaining.
Take the latest Viva Viagra ad, for example.
This dilly shows several cow pokes gathered around a camp fire while singing praises to the goddess of love, in this case, a little 100 mg blue pill that makes heaven on earth possible again. Oddly enough, this pitch features no babes (as in women) which may be an innocent oversight, or proof positive that the gay lobby has infiltrated the Pfizer advertising team.
A competitor's ad reminds ED sufferers to, "Check with your physician to see if you are healthy enough for sexual activity."
Excuse me? No otherwise normal American male is going to risk losing a romp in the hay by asking his doc for advice concerning the health risks involved!
At least not before said romp!
That same competitor advises men to rush to the emergency room should "an erection last more than four hours."
Most American men rarely pray for anything. Except, that is, for long-lasting, repetitious erections!
Why in the world would one ruin a perfectly fantastic answer to prayer by going to an emergency room to undo the divine blessing with mortal impertinence?
The more logical approach would be to make that little black book always available at the drop of a G-string-- just in case serendipity gifts one with a particularly potent batch of Levitra!
Now that the scourge of ED has been tamed, scientists need to unravel the remaining mystery embodied within the Peter Principle: A cure for the common headache, please!