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Published:January 17th, 2010 21:08 EST

The Top 9 Things Every Evil Villain Needs to Know

By R.J. Smith

You need a castle

Preferably one in the mountains of some remote eastern European country.  When shopping for a good stronghold, always remember to look for proper dungeon space, good schools, and a self destruct option.  A skull on the exterior announcing your evilness to all visitors is optimal.  Make sure you opt for full coverage homeowners insurance, as the self destruction option will inevitably be put to use at some time during your career.     

You need an army of ninjas

A lot of villains overlook this.  You must be able to back up your demands with good old fashioned ass kicking`s, the kind of ass kicking`s that can only be delivered by roving gangs of rogue ninjas.  Make sure you do not hire ninjas without reputable references, as most ninjas on the market nowadays are just out of work pirates in black costumes. 

You need a laser

No plan for world domination is complete without a laser to point at things.  Lesser villains use laser pointers to disrupt movie premiers.  Note that this does not count as having a laser.  This only counts as being an asshole

You need a video camera

You have to have some way to announce your plans to the world, and by video camera, I don`t mean a ten dollar webcam and YouTube.  Don`t be so cheap.  The world will never take you seriously, no matter how many ninjas you may have, if you are featured on websites next to the Numa Numa kid   

You need a tank of sharks

You do not need any shark food.  It is a good idea to store them in what looks like a regular pool so when the hero tries to penetrate your fortress and decides to take a leisurely swim he will get eaten.  It may sound ridiculous, but studies show that 90% of all heroes who have attempted infiltration are eaten by sharks while swimming in villain`s pools.    

You need a British accent

No one quite knows what it is, but there is just something sinister about the way people from Great Brittan talk.  Just the sound of it inspires thoughts of arrogance and indifference.  Skeletor, the greatest villain in history, seems to be the lone exception.  He doesn`t even have to talk to be evil.   

You need a staff of imbeciles

Every villain with any real aspirations of world domination surrounds himself by at least six or seven people who can and most likely will f*ck everything up.  These people are kept on the payroll to make you look good with the stipulation that they will eventually be killed for their insolence.  They understand this when they are hired.  The trick is to kill them at the second before they hit the self destruct button prematurely. 


You need a control room

It has to have a lot of computer stuff in it and some guy who lives there.  The guy who lives there has to know everything about everything and advise you in a wise way.  Of course, this is advice you piss on every chance you get, but it is always good to have it around to curse when your plans fail.

You need a monkey

The reason no villain has ever conquered the world is because he has never had a monkey.  It is a proven fact that a man with a monkey can not be defeated.  Do not argue this with me.  I have a monkey, you can not win. 

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