August 5th, 2008 08:13 EST
Top Ten Reasons Why America Loves The Montauk Monster
*He doesn`t put on any airs. He is what he is: An ungodly mass of putrefying flesh.
*He`s all things to all men. He`s a dog, a raccoon, a turtle who`s lost his shell, an alien, a Messiah figure, a government DNA-experiment gone horribly wrong.
*He`s dead. We always speak well of the recently departed, even if it`s a bloated ugly creature.
*He`s a mystery, we can fill in the blanks. I see him as an alien who came here to save the world, but was killed instantly when he spied Britney Spears flashing her vagina.
*He has an air of integrity; I can`t imagine him shilling for Viagra.
*His moniker "The Montauk Monster" has a nice ring to it. Montauk is an excusive municipality with the same cachet as Beverly Hills. If the monster had washed ashore on the Jersey shore, he would be a nobody.
*He has a Google-friendly name. It`s easy to find out the latest about our favorite monster.
*He`s an American for God`s sake. The dollar may be worthless, our president may be a sick joke, but we have the coolest kick-a** monster in the world.
*He gives us something interesting to talk about at work. Americans were sick and tired discussing the price of gas and Madonna`s veiny hands -- it`s great to have something cool to chat about.
*He`s not Dick Cheney