August 6th, 2008 12:25 EST
Top Ten Guesses: How Did The Montauk Monster Die?
Unless there`s an earth shattering new development in the Montauk Monster saga this is my last article on the subject.
*Dude, Two Words: Taco Bell Chalupa
*The Montauk Monster was chillin` on the beach, and Oprah Winfrey sashayed by clad in a string bikini. The poor monster`s ticker stopped cold.
*The Loch Ness Monster did the Joker`s Disappearing Pencil Trick on him.
*He was heartbroken that John McCain wasn`t considered the Father of all Living Things.
*The Montauk Monster died watching "An Inconvenient Truth." He`s an alien and wasn`t concerned about the Earth`s impending doom, but he couldn`t continue living after seeing Al Gore`s androgynous appearance.
*He was harpooned while sunbathing, some clown thought he was Rosie O`Donnell.
*After two months of Sweating to the Oldies he died of frustration because he failed to obtain perfectly waxed legs like Richard Simmons.
*Televangelist Jimmy Swaggart shot him to death because the monster turned down his sexual advances.
*He died of shame when Whoopie Goldberg claimed he was one of the 50 lovers she`s slept with.
*Dennis Kucinich killed the beast when he tried to do a Vulcan Mind Melt with him.