August 19th, 2008 20:17 EST
Blitzing a Wolf!
This is not meant to demean Wolf Blitzer, CNN`s top political analyst and part-time kosher food vendor. He is probably a perfectly fine and decent chap, worthy of every wooden nickel he can extort from the corrupt moguls who run CNN and Time Magazine.
Nonetheless, a spate of compassionate conservatism forces me to ask, What sort of parent would deliberately name a child Wolf to go with the surname Blitzer?
Does not the eighth Amendment to the US Constitution protect citizens from cruel and unusual punishment of the type haunting Blitzer?
Naming a child Wolf Blitzer is about as nasty as one can get, except for handing down the name Lillpop to a defenseless new born.
In fact, the physician who delivered this Lillpop was so concerned about the potential emotional harm that "Lillpop" might cause that he scribbled "TBD" in the last name of my birth certificate.
Mum penciled through "TBD" and entered "SOB," never fully appreciating the irony of that vicious attack. Out of a deep-abiding respect and inheritance considerations, I never argued the point with her.
By now, it is clear that my doctor was dead wrong--being named Lillpop has not kept me down or interfered with my path to success.
Inheriting my mother`s wonky DNA has exacted a miserable toll, but my last name has had little, or nothing, to do with a lifetime of institutional-quality insanity.
Judging from his success as a famous national television star, Wolf Blitzer has not suffered too greatly because of his strange moniker.
When I first heard the name Wolf Blitzer, I thought it was the stage name for some whacked out football analyst, unemployable except when assigned to cover crushed skulls, broken bones, and copious amounts of spilled blood on Sunday mornings.
As it turns out, Wolf Blitzer is the real name of a whacked out liberal who never leaves the "Situation Room" at CNN, except when there is a full-moon, at which time he produces "Braying With Wolf," available for a nominal fee as an Ipod download.
Again, this is not to demean Wolf in any way. He is an elitist lefty, true, but he is very bright--for a liberal!
Consider some of the most inspired quotes from Wolf *:
"Mr. President, haven`t you been watching the news? Katrina hit New Orleans five days ago. The city is flooded. Many people are homeless, desperate for food and water. They`re wondering why it`s taking so long for the government to send help. ?
On this one, Wolf sort of got out of sync with reality.
Anyone with even a vague understanding of the relationship between Nazism and Republican politics knows that President Bush watches FOX News, and only Fox News!
Everyone except Wolf was also aware of the fact that during the overkill coverage of Katrina by the liberal media, FOX ran old Amos and Andy flicks non-stop!
It is called "Fair and Balanced," Wolf baby!
How about this Wolf dilly?
"It is time for the United States, as the sole recognized intermediary, to consider more forceful action for peace."
This quote was apparently put together immediately after Wolf interviewed President Bush while the two supped Kosher, non-alcoholic iced tea in the green room outside the set of the Situation Room.
You can see Dubya`s lip prints all over those crazy words, "Forceful Action for Peace."
Roughly translated into Duybaspeak, the term means, "America must invade Iran now, before evil doers destroy the Middle East come January 20, 2009!"
No doubt, Wolf had another meaning in mind.
Then there is this unforgettable line:
"Guess what, there`s another bomb out there, it is going to kill a lot more, but I`m not telling you where it is. ?
This is a bit of a tease, because no one knows for sure exactly what Wolf was referring to.
Nonetheless, Dr. John Lilypompous, speaking on condition of anonymity, conjectures that this quote flowed from the lips of Wolf just before CNN announced that George W. Bush had been re-elected to a second term in 2004!
That`s NOT the way it is, and thank the Lord for small favors!
Wolfman: Blitzing America with liberal bias and propaganda from the Situation Room in Atlanta!