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Published:November 26th, 2008 14:14 EST

The Devil's Toy: Lindsay Lohan Doll

By Robert Paul Reyes

I google "Lindsay Lohan" periodically (OK every damn day) to get ideas for articles. I was astounded to discover that respected toy company Mattel has a "My Scene Goes Hollywood Lindsay Lohan Doll" on the market. This doll has been available for a couple of years, why haven`t born again Christians protested this demonic doll?

The doll comes with the following props: Director`s chair, laptop, popcorn and a magazine. Apparently Mattel wasn`t striving for realism or they would also have included the following props: Vodka bottle, tiny silver spoon and condoms.

The Lindsay Lohan figurine is dressed in "trendy red carpet outfit from My Scene Goes Hollywood DVD". My guess is that the doll`s trendy outfit doesn`t including any underwear.

The Lindsay Lohan doll should come with a Ken doll, the male doll could double as her boyfriend or as her girlfriend who has a remarkable resemblance to a 15-year-old boy.

Perez Hilton reports that the doll is selling so poorly that it`s being sold at a loss by Mattel, they just want to get rid of the damn things. Thank goodness that most parents have enough sense not to touch this doll without first donning latex gloves.

Parents, avoid this demon doll like the plague. I like the advice offered by Cinemablend.Com:

"Worried about what to get your ten year old niece for Christmas? If I were you, I`d consider razor blades, a book on vomiting to lose weight, and a four liter jug of vodka before Mattel`s newest doll."

Amen! Even a copy of "How to Build a Dirty Bomb for Dummies" would be a better gift for your 8-year-old daughter than a Lohan doll.

Parents if you buy your daughter a Lindsay Lohan doll don`t be surprised if within a few months your loved one develops an itchy nose and bloodshot eyes.