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Published:January 29th, 2009 11:51 EST
Help! My cat knows who stole my computer!

Help! My cat knows who stole my computer!

By Juliet Maruru

Hi there, my name is Queen. Queen of this House. My human calls me Sparkie, which is a very great disrespect, though I let her get away with it because she loves me. Anyway, my human fell asleep while working on her Novel which I am beginning to doubt will ever get done. So I have a few minutes to type on her new laptop and then post it on her blog.

You see, my human never listens. Take for instance how I`ve been trying to explain to her all morning that Chapter 14 of her novel is all wrong. She is writing for 14 to 16 year olds, who by the way have been through the Harry Porter Series, and all the other mythical if not gothic TV Series and Movies. She has been trying to escribe a very violent scene in weirdly tame terms. I mean, 14 and 16 year olds know enough about injustice, and murder. Why in the world can`t she just write the scene in as realistic terms as possible.

And then there is the way she lost her old computer. No, not the one that was stolen from the office. That was not hers, even though she now has to pay for the loss, because someone decided that she was careless. I don`t know, but my human is the most paranoid person in the world. She is not likely to leave things especially gadgets just lying around carelessly for some thief to steal. But I can`t say, since I have only seen her around the house, never at the office.

So about the old computer that was stolen from her house along with the telly, which I loved by the way, coz it displayed better colours than the new one her mum bought, and a whole lot of other gadgets that burn my nice fur when the housemaid leaves the them on, and I forget that I`m not supposed to go up on the shelves and table tops and ironing boards. Excuse me, I need to lick my paw.

Uh, yes, oh, this new computer just mentioned that coz I`m a cat all you will be expecting me to speak in toddler language. Do you? Well, sorry, coz I am not a toddler. I am 19 months old, which in your years is a whole lot. I`m almost a teenager! Which is why I was mad in the first place when she wrote that weird chapter.

I really have to tell you about the old computer! Just give me half a secod, I can`t let the world see me with my fur all shaggy ". Yeah, so now, the day all those things plus the old computer were stolen, I was in the house with my three furry siblings. What? I din`t tell you. My human is kept by four of us royal furry beings. There is me Queen, Boy George, Girl Pretty, and Nikki (who is actually the neighbour`s princess but they have no idea how to handle her, so she abdicated her throne and came to my human`s house. She says she is in exile and will only return to her home when her humans get it into their heads that she is a royal being. I think she will wait a long time)

So while we were sleeping in the heat of the mid afternoon, this man, I know it was a man coz he had all these really nasty man pheromones, they smelt so bad we all hid under a sofa. We thought he was in the company of our human because he had a key, which he used to open the door. Only, he wasn`t. He was in the company of another nasty smelling man. We had never seen either of them before, but I can tell you I had smelt that horrible smell before.

Anyway, those two men went through all the rooms, dragging things out, throwing some on the floor, collecting stuff. They had a nice neat pile of electronic stuff, the only one I wanted them to take was the iron coz it always burns my fur and paws when I`m playing with my siblings. I was angry coz they were taking the precious TV. I didn`t mind much that they were stealing the old computer coz she was always nagging us when we played in the house when my human was not in. But I know how much my human loved the computer, so I didn`t want them to steal it. So I got out from under the sofa, hissing with my claws out. I jumped at the one who smelt the nastiest and clawed at his face. He grabbed at me and swung me onto a wall. But even as I licked my wounds and planned my next strategy I watched with satisfaction as four drops of blood fell onto the cream carpet.

The guy saw his on blood and grabbed a bottle of Soda that was on the dinning table and came at me. I swear if his friend had not stopped him and told him that they should get out fast, he might have attacked me. I promise you I would have killed him, too. No one hurts my human and gets away with it. When my human found that her stuff was stolen she was very hurt. She didn`t cry but I could tell from the way she sat slouched on the sofa, staring at the drops of blood on her carpet that she was really sad.

The thing is, that man, the one who smelt worse than the other one, that man has been back. He came to the door asking for work. I know it is him, that smell is unmistakable. And he has a scar right across his face that could be from my claws. That`s what I`ve been trying to tell my human for days. Someone please tell her for me, because I can`t seem to be getting through to her at all lately.