Contact theSOPAbout theSOPSupport theSOPWritersEditorsManaging Editors
theSOP logo
Published:August 17th, 2009 17:05 EST
Zip It or The Couch!

Zip It or The Couch!

By Rouben Alikian

 Even the most harmless and sometimes unwilling, misplaced comments can poke a beast inside every woman`s mind, something to be feared and awed upon for was it not truly said that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? There is no phrase more fitting to the context as I imagine the devil is a woman just like god, both paradoxes of immovable forces that dare not stray from their bounds upon the plain of imagination into our realm. And yet, here we are, living proof as to how hell should fear these gentle, desirable and treasured of creatures.


 No matter what you say, whatever you mean has no bearing on how a woman perceives it, because the same task that takes a male two neurons to complete, will be completed twice by a single female neuron. The perception of time, reason, meaning and direction can sometimes be different in the mind of a woman than that of a man which leads to some very interesting phenomena that many call Sleeping on the couch


 Have you ever wondered why the eternal question Do I look fat? " has no answer? No matter what you say, Yes " or No ", a woman`s mind will not be satisfied for the very simple fact that you dared answer so simply. How could you!? Have you no brains!? Don`t you know that it`s a trick question designed by ages and is unbreakable to test your devotion to the very concept of your female inquisitor`s beauty and perception of her as human being? Yes, it is true, you have no choice but to create long and showering sentences of praise instead of an answer or else suffer her wrath. But the truth is, no matter what you say that does not instinctively and in a predetermined way fit into a woman`s perception, you lose.


 The thing is, no argument can be won against a woman, because they are walking encyclopedias of life`s wisdom which even the most avid Buddhist monk can never achieve as there is an answer for everything and no effort will be spared to prove you wrong, destroy your point of view, contradict every aspect of it only to raise the flag of your defeat over the smoldering ruins of your opinion that you dared raise against her divine judgment. And if you made a comment that you instantly realize you shouldn`t have, woe to you, woe. You will be reduced to nothing, a sniveling weakling without any manhood left in you, a pathetic coward with no knowledge of the gorgeous sex, a pedophile, a broke bastard, a criminal and everything you can imagine against human dignity and honor, because you deserve it in some sick, perverted way.


 How can you dare raise your meaningless negative opinions against someone already, inherently, from the womb superior to you mentally and even physically in many ways? Don`t you know that only the weakest of the weak dare disrespect a woman? Talking of her deficiencies? Who the hell are you, look at your own. Yes, yes, and they do more than talk, they DO, because some cowards the likes of which mother Earth should never have to bear, just to prove their so called manhood " dare raise their hands against a woman in harm.

 But, don`t they realize that by doing so, they prove themselves as nothing more than cowards. Who other than a coward raises his hand against someone meant to be cherished? Why don`t they pick on someone their own size and see who fares better. Maybe they`ll crap their pants.


 The truth is, no matter how comically you try to approach the subject, there is every real understanding and context underneath it. And that truth is, men can have two very opposite sides, at least some men do. Others combine the good and the bad together into something perverted. One breed of men is obsessed with some chauvinistic, unrealistic and frankly, very na├»ve ideal that they are superior in every respect to women. Come on, just because you can, maybe, lift a couch, doesn`t mean you are a man. In fact, such who make women do all the work for them while hiding behind their manhood " are nothing more than disgraces to our kind, for they tarnish everything that a man should do in his lifetime and that is very simply, providing their duties as providers, not abusers.


 And here`s where the other kind of men comes in, the kind who can be truly called men in the generally, socially accepted meaning of the word that we anthropologically and psychologically view as that one Plutonic ideal of someone who is created for a purpose that rises above the inherent physical strength onto something higher. That higher meaning is worshipping women as they are meant to be for every single bounty they bring with that same uncanny intellect and beauty, providing for them and their children as nature dictated and we as creatures have generally perceived.


 Why else do you think so many men give in during arguments with their spouses? And don`t try the you`re sleeping on the couch tonight " excuse, because no matter how funny it may sound, there is a deeper reason as to why men decide that it is best to agree even when they know they are right. That reason is something that transcends reason itself into a plain of understanding that something trivial and seemingly meaningless the every next hour is just not worth the bitterness created by it as it erodes the one thing that men know they will get, even if it be unrequited from being with women. A sense of being loved.