July 15th, 2010 10:03 EST
A Little Humor to Brighten Your Day
We all can use a little humor daily to forget about the bad times our country has gone through with the downed economy, war in the Middle East and hearing about the same thing on the news night after night " I cannot wait until BP Finally caps the well!
Anyway, sit back and read these true stories that are pure comedy. These stories would be great skits for Saturday Night Live. When you read them, you think for a second and wonder if these are made up " but they are really true, supposedly.
Car Phone Moron
A woman called the police just after her car was stolen. She told the police that she had left her car phone in the car and it was on ready to take phone calls.
The police decided to take a long shot and call the woman`s car phone to see if someone would answer it. Sure enough the thief answered the woman`s car phone. The police officer on the other end told the thief that he had read an ad in the newspaper that the car was for sale and he was interested in buying the car.
The thief not having a clue that this was the police calling arranged to meet to sell the car " the rest is history, yes the car phone moron was arrested.
Sometimes You Just Gotta Watch What You Say and to Whom You Say It To:
Someone`s friend was employed in the Human-Development department in a large corporation out of the Midwest. The focus of the employee`s training was on the proper dress code for the company and the etiquette of the dress code.
One day the employee stepped into the elevator, right after she stepped in, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt stepped in the elevator right behind her.
The employee, being overzealous about her job decided to reprimand the employee for being under dressed. She said in a harsh voice to the man, Dressed a little on the causal side today, aren`t we "?
The man looked at her and responded, Yea, that`s one of the great benefits of owning the company. "
Woman Needs to Get a Big Clue
45-year old lady was arrested in Texas after a mechanic whom changed her oil reported that he just found many packages of wackie tobacee, (pot), (marijuana) under the engine compartment (under the hood) of her car. Stunned by this, the police asked her how she thought she was going to get away with this much drugs hidden under the hood of her car? The lady replied that she didn`t realize that the mechanic would have to raise her hood to change the oil.
Dude, " Maybe You Should Check First Before Putting It in Your Mouth
The Seattle Police were called to a residence of a man trying to siphon gasoline from a neighbor`s motor home that was parked near the man`s house. When the police arrived, they found a lot more than what they thought they would find. The police found a very ill man curled up in a tight ball lying on the street. The man trying to steal and siphon gas from the neighbor`s motor home missed the hole and plugged his hose into his own sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the motor home was laughing so hard he told the police he did not want to press charges because this was the best laugh he has ever had.
Work out a Little Harder, Maybe you will be in Shape to Run a Little Faster
A man in Rhode Island had a brainy idea and decided to rob an armored car. He knocked out one of the armored car guards and took off with four bags of money. The four bags didn`t contain really light weight paper money that smart thieves would have grabbed, but instead contained about $800 dollars in pennies which made each bag weigh over 30 pounds a piece. Of course, the brainy thief hadn`t eaten his Wheaties in a while and was out of shape. The police could have sent a turtle to chase him down since the overweight bags of pennies slowed him to a snail`s pace. Let`s just say any fat cop weighing four-hundred pounds or more would have an easy time catching this guy. Of course it didn`t take much effort by the police to run him down and arrest him.
Lottery Winner Jumps the Gun a Little Too Fast
A man from California was ecstatic when he watched them read the lottery numbers over the television and he had the ticket that matched the numbers. Not wanting to wait a little to just sit back and smell the roses, he decided he wanted to immediately live the new life of luxury. He ordered his dream Porsche, decided to take the family on a very expensive holiday cruise, and he took his wife and family to one of the most expensive restaurants in California for a nice dinner that night. I mean, what does he have to worry about? He`s now rich "nope, not so fast. After he spent lots of money he didn`t have assuming he would soon get back the lots of money he still didn`t have, he went to cash in his winning lottery ticket only to find out that 9,097 other people also had just won the same lottery he just won and had the same winning numbers that he had. Since he had to split the winnings with the others, the take and jackpot was a mere $45. Maybe next time you hit the lottery, first wait until you collect your winnings then go and blow a lot of money you don`t have and now have even less of.
Wow! Don`t Let This Happen To You!
A man was lying injured on the road outside of Odell, Illinois. An ambulance was called to aid him. When the ambulance zoomed to the scene where the man was lying injured, it skidded out of control when it hit the snow covered street and then struck the injured man killing him. I guess the moral of this story is, don`t lye on the road when you are injured and wait on an ambulance to rescue you that has non-snow driving EMT`S driving it.
What in the Heck Were You Thinking!?
A man was on trial for drug possession in Pontiac, Michigan. He claimed the police officers that arrested him searched him illegally without a search warrant. The prosecuting attorney claimed the officers did not need a search warrant because there was visual evidence of a large bulge in the pocket of the man`s jacket and the bulge could have been a gun. The man, still on the witness stand and wearing the same jacket he was busted in said, No Way Man! " and decided to hand the jacket to the judge so the judge could have a look at it. The judge discovered the bulge was actually a large pack of cocaine. He laughed so hard the court had to go to an immediate five minute recess. Maybe this moron needs to first empty his pockets of all illegal paraphernalia before laying it in the lap of the busting authority.
Drink Another Cup of Coffee and Maybe You Will WAKE UP!
An early morning riser in Ann Arbor, Michigan decided to rob a Burger King just before breakfast. As he entered the restaurant and pulled a gun out and demanded the restaurants cash on-hand the clerk behind the counter told him he could not open the cash register without an order for food. The brilliant robber decided to order some onion rings. When the man ordered the onion rings, the restaurant clerk told him that onion rings were not available on the breakfast menu. The robber got so frustrated he turned and walked away.
Wow! Try ninety-weight coffee not decaffeinated before you decide to rob a Burger King before breakfast.
Here`s Another Einstein for You!
A young man in Detroit, Michigan walked over to a police patrol car that was showing the younger kids in the neighborhood a new computer system installed in their car. The brainy man asked the two police officers how the system worked. One police officer asked the man if they could use his I.D. as an example. The man gave the officer his Driver`s License to use as the example of how the new computer system works. Seconds later, the man was placed under arrest. It turned out the man was a wanted felon for a past robbery he committed in St. Louis.
Maybe next time, don`t hand the police your driver`s license to use as an example if you are a wanted felon?
Next Time Bring a Screw Driver with You
Two men in Kentucky attempted to dismantle a cash machine by trying to pull the front off of the machine by placing a chain on the front panel of the cash machine and then attaching the chain to the bumper of their pickup truck. As the two men drove backwards, instead of their brilliant plan working, the chain pulled their bumper off their pickup truck and not the front panel off the cash machine. They suddenly got startled and decided to drive off leaving the chain still attached to the cash machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and guess what? On the bumper that was still attached to the chain that was still lying at the scene of the crime was their license plate still attached to the bumper and chain.
Duh! Maybe next time you may want to take your license plate with you after you just committed a crime!
Here`s a news headline that was in one of the newspaper`s somewhere around this country. It read:
Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop; Find Weapons (Funny News Stories, 2010)
Uh!... Ya, really think?!
It really is a crazy world we live in.
Funny News Stories " (http://digitaldreamdoor.nutsie.com/pages/quotes/funny_news.html)