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Published:August 10th, 2009 17:12 EST

School Thug Life (PART 1)

By Rouben Alikian

1) In English class, the teacher starts asking my classmates one by one "What do you want most?" One well smoked bum who barely knows how books open says "I want a Colt 45". Another sleepy snout rises from the desk and mumbles out Uhh " I want a harem ". And then a girl sitting to my right says" I want peace on Earth."


 My turn is next. I frown like a sadist and spread my lips apart in something like a smile that one shows to a chankered bear before hissing out my acutely post-apocalyptic answer I want war to begin so I can become a traitor "No matter the sides."


 Just another example of how a good farce can brighten up a banal question in a boring classroom where watching flies is comparable to counting the number of times the teacher slips on giving the correct tense of the verb is".


2) Chemistry teacher. The evil of mankind`s most horrific abominations that stands proudly amidst the ranks of such hall of fame degenerates like Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacey, Jeffrey Dahmer and Andrei Chikatilo himself. Unlike the conventional Inquisitors, this beast torments us every day not with blades and hooks up our studently backs, but with cryptic symbols and abhorrently long formulas that we must memorize.


 Quake in fear, mortal, for there is more to those bunker slot eyes and slithering snakes of hair than meets the eye, for she is pregnant. But even now, hope is at work as I seek out the wordy elixir that will cast the responding blow upon the upcoming spawn of our torment.


 And thus, one bright and sunny morning just two days before graduation, I pass by Mammon`s lopsided vessel and brace myself with a feigned smile by spewing out the inevitable It`s a boy, he`s going to be a complete loser."