January 5th, 2009 13:52 EST
Lindsay Lohan and Billy Mays Would Make A Perfect Match
"Reports are emerging suggesting that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have split up after a series of arguments and frenzied punch-attacks on New Year`s Day.
Whether Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson really have split up remains to be seen, but we hope so. That`d mean that Lindsay Lohan has now exhausted her supply of both men and women, and we`d be keen to see who she tries to have sex with next. Our guess? A bookish owl."
Heritage is not exaggerating when he claims that Lohan has exhausted her supply of men, the pop tart can`t enter a nightclub in the world without bumping into a poseur or trendy that she`s known in the Biblical way. I hope God doesn`t smite me with an STD for using the words "biblical" and "Lohan" in the same sentence.
But it`s a slight exaggeration to say that Lohan has exhausted her supply of women, as far as we know Ronson is the only female she`s bedded. And a convincing case could be made that Ronson isn`t a 31-year-old female, but a 14-year old boy with a penchant for freckle-faced ho`s.
Assuming that Lohan and Ronson have had their last catfight, what`s next for the former actress and wannabe singer? I hope it`s not someone from the animal kingdom, a bookish owl wouldn`t survive one night with Lohan.
I think that Billy Mays, the yelling pitchman for OxyClean and a hundred other products, would be the perfect lover for Lindsay Lohan. Recovering addicts need tough love and Mays wouldn`t hesitate to get two inches from Lohan`s face and yell at her: NO YOU SKANK, YOU AREN`T GOING TO DA CLUB. YOU`RE STAYING HOME, AND WATCH MY INFOMERCIALS WITH ME.
Lohan likes kink and you can`t get any kinkier than Mays wide-open eyes and dyed beard; they would make a perfect match. Lohan needs to kick Ronson to the curb, and hook up with Billy Mays!