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Published:March 21st, 2009 16:40 EST
Miley, Lindsay, Britney, and Paris Should Unite Into One-Super-Mega-Girl-Band!

Miley, Lindsay, Britney, and Paris Should Unite Into One-Super-Mega-Girl-Band!

By John G. Kays



As I have been sifting through all of this sleaze on these several fledgling excuses for movie starlets, and you know who I mean, an extraordinary epiphany dawned on me: Miley, Lindsay, Britney, and Paris should unite into an Ultimate-Mega-Super-Girl-Band; this would be just the spark to charge their sagging, double-chin careers. This is my theory for a cure to what ails them. I see myself as the Colonel Tom Parker or as a Brian Epstein figure in the background, who could engineer a come-back for these drooping-chicks who could use a shot of adrenaline to reinvigorate them back from the living dead. A combination of staging, costume, and clever song could be just the medicine for these slippery-sloped princesses-of-pop.

Bimbolita Britney


The name of the band will be The Bimbolitas! I hope that this name is not too abusive, or sexist, but I think it does catch the eye; `tis a combo of bimbo and Lolita, in case you didn`t already pick that up (duhh). So girls, please email me as soon as possible in order to schedule your first rehearsal; I am officially your new manager! Move over Spice Girls, sit down Shangri-Las, back off Shaggs-this ensemble will rule the air waves and headlock the internet (especially YouTube) with an iron claw.


Of course I didn`t think that I would stoop this low, being a fairly well-educated man and all. But the fantasy kept comin` back to me and I began to write this down as if I was in a trance, or a double-knot agent, like Jethro Bodine, who was brainwashed by the late-great Russians or by Roswell-Government-Conspiring-Extraterrestrial-Beings. Also, I started channeling the trappings of this potential incredible internet explosion that would surely result, where tabloids like The National Enquirer, World Weekly News, and Star Magazine could get billions of hits to their pages as zombie-fans snatched up every iota of news about these bonded-diva-pop-tarts (gettin` abusive). Moreover, I fantasized that could carve out a nice niche for itself on the internet, as I would feature all the newest press releases of The Bimbolitas there exclusively!


As far as how to shape the band, it dawned on me that I don`t know all that much about these girls, as say, Robert Paul Reyes, who knows every single knick and cranny about the careers/scandals of these celebrity girls. I would have to go back through the thousands of articles he`s written to get a grip on all these incidents or the collective wardrobe malfunctions, if you will. But I do know that the songs need to be killer, and there should be about ten costume changes in each show too. Like one minute they could come out in Indian gear ala The Love Guru, then the next moment they could all be geishas fanning themselves and singin` in harmony like the Andrew Sisters. I`m just brain stormin` here, but perhaps then they could enter the stage all polka-dot-bikinied and carrying different Amazonian snakes around over their heads, like Britney Spears sometimes does.


Another light bulb comes on! They could do performance art too, they could play act reenactments of some of their fiascoes, like their DUIs or jail time experiences. They would want to make it funny though, like Saturday Night Live, so it would be a cathartic experience for the people at home. Think Martha Stewart cooking at her prison! This way people could cope better with some of their idiosyncrasies. Maybe? Maybe not?


Anyway, I hope you like my idea for the Ultimate-Mega-Girl-Band of all time! I didn`t want to hide it, but thought I`d test the waters first, and I will no doubt, get very rich in no time flat. For the finalé The Bimbolitas would sing We Are the World, and suddenly Sarah Palin could come out (okay, let`s let Michael Jackson & Madonna enter also) and join them! Wouldn`t that be terrific! And then from back stage out will crawl (or waddle out) Octo-Mom and Rihanna-wouldn`t that be a gas "(John "clean up your room! "yes Mom).   P.S. Naturally Shepard Fairey would do the promotional posters!