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Published:September 2nd, 2009 11:00 EST
Mark Freedman's "What Guys Talk About in The Bathroom"

Mark Freedman's "What Guys Talk About in The Bathroom"

By Mark Freedman

As a guy, I must say that one of my safe havens is the "Stall". A quiet place where a guy can be himself, think about the day, and...... let it all out...

I particularly like to find a bathroom that does not have much traffic. A place where I can hum, or sing a cheerful song. Well it always seems that just as I am about to "sing a new song", someone walks in. This is very awkward. It`s just wrong. However you do have to make a sound so they know you are there. A whistle works.

Once you know they have left it is safe to go about your business....But there is always that one person who sits next to you and starts up a conversation! Let me tell you, it is hard to concentrate on the topic at hand while giving birth to a baby that won`t be getting two front teeth for Christmas.

Aside from this being awkward and uncomfortable, how about talking while you`re peeing? Now girls I know you are not as familiar with "STAND PEE" conversations, can be one of the worst ways for men to communicate. Sitting down and talking is easy. Certain things can only go in one direction. But try really aiming, yawning, holding your cell phone and water bottle while the guy next to you says "Did your lip ring hurt when you got it?".. WHAT!? Please don`t look at my lip while I`m looking at my fire hose. And stop trying to mess up my concentration. It takes a great amount of skill to hit the toilet just right so that there is no deflection of pee onto my bare feet (Wearing sandals of course).

Basically I just do not see how women can keep a topic current while in the bathroom. If I break concentration while peeing then many lives could be ruined.

It is good to get to know the guy who sits next to me at work though. It is nice to share his Cheetos and snicker candy`s. O the feeling of having someone you can talk to when times are tough. O how wonderful that I may bring my emotions to the Men`s room and vent my feelings to "GUY FROM SEAT 234". He might become my closet pal. He might become my best friend. He might become my best man. But I am not shaking his hand anymore, and he can pour his Cheetos on a paper plate.

That`s an in depth look on "WHAT GUYS TALK ABOUT IN THE BATHROOM"