March 24th, 2010 15:11 EST
American Idol: Kick Paige Miles To The Curb!
Crystal has the American Idol judges eating out of the palm of her hand, and last night I felt like nibbling out of the palm of the dreadlocked lesbian (?) Earth Goddess.
The judges and the audience were mesmerized by Crystal`s rousing rendition of Janis Jolplin`s "Me & Bobby McGee." Crystal did an excellent job channeling her idol (Joplin), I felt like I was a 13-year-old kid listening to the song for the first time on my transistor radio.
Crystal clearly was the best singer last night.
Another solid showing from the quirky diva, but not quite in the same league as Crystal. At the end of her song Siobhan let loose with one of her patented high-pitched screams. An audition from Siobhan without a scream at the end, is like having sex without reaching climax.
Siobahn Magnus is still my favorite, but Crystal is growing on me.
I have absolutely no mercy on celebrities; I enjoy ripping them to shreds. But even monsters like me draw the line somewhere; I don`t severely criticize child entertainers like Miley Cyrus or Aaron Kelly. (God, I can`t wait until Miley turns 18.) Fortunately, there`s little about Kelly to criticize, he always delivers a breathtaking performance, and last night was no exception. In spite of suffering from tonsillitis, Kelly did a terrific job singing Aerosmith`s "I Don`t Want to Miss a Thing."
Teen Angel, Katie Stevens, crooned "Big Girls Don`t Cry", and for once she didn`t make me cry. A very good showing for Katie that guarantees she will be around for at least one more week.
Didi is one of my favorites but sometimes she scares the Bejesus out of me. Didi sang Linda Ronstadt`s "You`re No good", but it was Nancy Sinatra or the villain from Fatal Attraction that she was channeling. Didi wore a look that was meant to be sexy, but her stare was scarier than getting trampled at the buffet line by Oprah Winfrey and Rosie O`Donell. I have a feeling that Didi accuses her boyfriend of having an affair whenever he doesn`t pick up his phone on the first ring.
Dude rocked last night, but he had the bad luck to open the show before Crystal. The moment that Crystal opened her mouth I forgot everything about Dewyze.
MICHAEL "BIG MIKE" LYNCH
Big Bore. Are the judges heaping praise on this mediocre crooner because they don`t want to see a Top Ten without at least one African American?
Good outing. Unless pretty boy really stinks up the joint, cougars and teens will keep him around for a long time.
Big Snooze. Garcia should go back to singing girl songs.
Histrionics aside, I think he did an OK job last night. Usually an American Idol contestant should be worried if he does "just OK", but Urban doesn`t have to get nervous, texting tweens will keep him around for at least a couple more weeks
Girlfriend has got to go!! Now!! Awful rendition of a run-of-the-mill easy listening staple. I love American Idol, but if Paige isn`t kicked to the curb tonight, I may boycott the show.
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