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Published:August 26th, 2009 19:10 EST

Mark Freedman's "Reading with your wife at night"

By Mark Freedman

If you`re curious about how it feels to be shot to death......I would suggest "reading with your wife at night"..... Especially if she is sitting next to you in the bed watching you type this (That is more like a lethal injection)...To make it more excruciating, try writing this while she continues to read out loud, forcing you to love her version of a "Psychological Thriller." So please bear with me if I leave this article for a moment to say "Mhmm" and "Oh cool".

There are several things going on through my head right now. All having to do with sex. While your wife may be getting super excited about "who killed Therman Merman?", you`re probably trying to locate a gun (at least for her.) OK, so there has to be something special about spending time at night with your "forever love". I just do not think I will be experiencing it tonight.

On a side note, my wife thinks our new "booger aspirator" for our daughter is really funny. It sings and plays music, supposedly putting your child in the best of moods, right before you SHOVE A MOTOR POWERED BATTERY OPERATED SNOT COLLECTOR into her nose.... they don`t even know what hit them.  Well, after a few times, if they hear the soothing "twinkle twinkle" song coming around the corner, they know exactly what is about to happen.  I don`t know what the people who invented this thing were thinking, (1) nobody would be able to hear "twinkle twinkle" over the sound of boogers getting sucked through a small nose piece (2) what baby would want to listen to music when they were getting boogers sucked out of their brain.....

On another side note....nothing makes me feel better than the sound of a my child breathing as clear as the mountain air. Or listening to my wife read Blablablablablablablabla from a book or something....My princess`s sleep with me tonight. If they are my princess`s, some might call me a prince, others might call me a saint. I tend to call myself lazy. Athletically built with just a tad bit of love handles. A Jew with a lisp if you will.(I really am Jewish, and occasionally you may hear a slight bit of a "speech impediment", mainly if you hear me say Photosynthesis or Photo-thin-theah-thithhh as I like to call it.) My nose whistles sometimes, and I take medicine for being Manically Bipolar. Even still, I will take care of my family, but mostly, they will take care of me....

-Thank you for reading my articles. All in which will be a part of my next book simply titled  "SEAMAN FREEDMAN`S FAMILY ADVENTURES".